Single Adult Summer Day Camp!

To: Abbottsville Stake Single Adults

From: Ricky and Mindy Foote, Stake Single Adults Leaders

Subject: It’s Day Camp time, boy and girls!

As always, Mindy and I are honored to serve a group that includes so many near and dear, such as my former seminary teacher, Mindy's old high school principal, Sister Post who helped me earn my Duty to Country badge, and, of course, Mom.

So clear the first week in June, you crazy kids, for the annual Single Adult Summer Day Camp!

Here are just some of the highlights!

Monday

Scavenger Hunt!

Dressed in our matching LDS SA Day Camp tee-shirts, we’ll divide into teams and search the Abbottsville Mall for:
an employment application

at least 50 cents found on the floor or in the center court fountain

a french fry (can’t buy it)

team photo with a red-head—extra points if his/her name is Kelly

group shot of everybody in one bathroom stall

and more!

Tuesday

Fun with Silly String, glitter, shaving cream and Magic Sand!

Wednesday

Slip-n-Slide!

Thursday

Picnic Day!

Dressed in our matching LDS SA Day Camp tee-shirts, we’ll head over to Abbottsville Park, grill hot dogs and s’mores and then divide into teams for:
potato sack races

leap frog

freeze tag

water balloon toss

toilet paper mummy contest

and more!

Friday

Disney Movie Camp!

featuring:
The Shaggy Dog

Son of Flubber

Superdad

The Little Mermaid—sing-along version

And more!

*Participation in all events is mandatory. **Attendees must either have a current a temple recommend or have completed the Official Worthiness Questionnaire.  

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, you might be required to build a blanket fort.

Abbottsville Sisters Party On Mother's Day

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward Relief Society
From: Donna Banta
Subject: Mother's Day at Abbottsville's Swizzle Stick Bar

Dear Sisters,

I've attached the following invitation in the hope that you will consider this far more desirable alternative to every woman's most demoralizing church meeting of the entire year.

SWIZZLE STICK MOTHER'S DAY PARTY!

Especially for Mormons

Dear Sisters,

Don't want to sit through a three hour lecture on Mother's Day?

Sick of constantly being reminded of your "sacred role?"

Tired of delighting in your husbands, waiting for your happily ever afters, turning lemons into lemonade, standing in holy places, sweetening the world one drop at a time, and blooming where you're planted?

Rather spend the Sabbath getting shit-faced?

Then ditch church this Sunday and JOIN THE PARTY
at the SWIZZLE STICK!

9:00 a.m. Bar open
12:00-2:00 p.m. Primary Songbook Karaoke
2:00-4:00 p.m. Performance by "Mutha's Who Know"
4:00-6:00 p.m. "The Stripping Warriors"
6:00 p.m. - ????? Testimony Meeting

No cover charge
$4 well drinks to include "Sex on the Tabernacle," "Dirty Moroni," and "The Wymount Babymaker"
Turn in your 4" petunia plant/limp carnation/refrigerator magnet for a free mimosa!

--Hope to see you there, sisters. I'll be at the bar by 9:00, wearing a gingham-checked jumper and sipping a Dirty Moroni.

LDS Church Introduces Gay Deconversion Merit Badge for Boy Scouts

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Jim Harold, Ward Scoutmaster
Subject: Gay Deconversion Merit Badge

The experience of same-sex attraction continues to be a complex issue for the LDS Church. However, when the Boy Scouts of America recently changed their policy to include openly gay scouts, church authorities not only approved, they also sensed an opportunity. The creation of the Gay Deconversion Merit Badge!

Requirements for the badge are still in the planning stage, but are expected to include the following:

1. Befriend a boy who's converted to gay and invite him to join your local scout troop.
2. Kindly and with compassion, help the gay convert realize the depth of his shame. 
3. Compose a 1,000 word essay entitled, "Why Our Heavenly Father Would Never Do That To Anyone." 

Additional requirements will most likely be the acquisition of some legal, social, and technical skills that may also be applied toward earning the "Crime Prevention," "Disability Awareness," and "Electricity" Merit Badges.


Also in the planning stage is a badge logo. Suggestions are welcome. In the meantime, be on the lookout for some converted gay boys!

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, the A-4 scout troup will soon be over to deconvert you.

Also leave your suggestions for the Gay Deconversion Merit Badge requirements and logo in the comment field!

A-4 Cracks Down On Tolerance Crimes

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: J. "Bull" Barton, Ward Preparedness Specialist
Subject: Ward Preparedness Update

Because of Boyd K. Packer's recent revision of the Beatitudes, as well as a local increase in tolerance chatter, I have decided to raise the ward threat level to RED.

Originally a Utah phenomenon, a growing number of tolerance groups have formed in the outlying wards and stakes throughout the mission field, including here in Abbottsville. Bent on forcing their tolerance agenda on faithful Latter-day Saints, these tolerance cells are capable of all forms of tolerant crimes and mischief. I advise all ward members to remain calm, be vigilant, and report all acts of tolerance.

My newly expanded Ward Preparedness team has been hard at work monitoring ward telephone lines, members' emails, and local LDS chat rooms. Over the past 24 hours, we've detected a shocking number of tolerant-leaning chatter. Here are some of the conversational "red flags" we've uncovered:

• "Shouldn't the job go to the one who's the most qualified?"
• "Have any new ideas?"
• "But it's what's inside a person that counts."
• "It's really none of our business."
• "Why don't we put it to a vote?"
• "She makes a lot of sense."
• "But they love each other."

So far, the individuals guilty of these these suspicious comments have merely been added to a Tolerance Watch List. However, if tolerant activity increases, some may have to be removed from society for treatment, as is the current practice in Utah. The following is an excerpt from a recent in-depth story on the subject from Utah's only source for real news, The Utah Honeypot:

"Two types of treatment are typically the most successful. Tolerance addicts can choose from a fear-based approach that employs mind-altering drugs and intense cable news exposure to drill fear of gays, non-white ethnicities, and political outliers into the minds of patients in order to help them produce automatic fear responses when confronted with people who are different from themselves. This fear should lead to unquantifiable hatred, the hallmark of successful detolerance therapy. -- Those seeking a more holistic approach can work to develop artificial love for people with differing backgrounds which allows them to feel profound pity for anyone who doesn’t yet believe exactly as they do."

In conclusion, from this moment forward, the Abbottsville Fourth Ward will have zero-tolerance for the tolerant.

In addition, I advise all ward members to have on hand the requisite 4 rolls of duct tape, 2 hazmat suits, a gallon jug of consecrated oil, 2 handguns, and scriptures, The Ensign, Twister and Yahtzee! to amuse yourselves in the bunker.

This concludes this Ward Preparedness Update.

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, you're probably an intellectual, a gay person, or one of those women who thinks she makes sense.

Check out my recent post on Ex-Mormon Mavens!

Musings From The Mission Field -- My Work Here Is Done!

To: abbottsville fourth ward
From: elder young, france, paris mission
Subject: the final stretch

dear abbottsville fourth,

thank you so much for all of your care packages, especially sister renfro's super-yummy marshmallow peep scones. comp and i gobbled them all up yesterday. after that we were bummed b/c we realized that our missions were almost over and we wouldn't be getting any more care packages. :-(((((

but that's ok b/c comp and i are too spirichally mature to worry about feeding our tummies. what's really important is feeding our spirits, and the best thing for that is missionary work!!! :-)))))

so comp and i grabbed what was left of our Joseph Smith pamphlets and road our bikes over to the Eyeful Tower. the square around the tower was packed with potential converts, but none of them wanted to hear our message. :-///

finally we climbed to the top of the tower and pitched all of the pamphlets into the wind, but as we watched the Lord's word drift all over paris, we felt bummed all over again. we hadn't even placed a Book of Mormon. :-((((((((

comp and i used to be the mission stars!!!! but now the 18 year old missionaries were stealing our thunder with their bold ideas and unique door approaches. -- at 21, comp and i were a couple of old fogies, so pathetic that it had been at least a week since that horse-faced sister missionary had tried to cream us with her handbag. :-((((((

comp and i climbed down from the tower and wandered the streets of paris, wondering what went wrong. we thought back to all of our awesome investigators. in every case, we'd gotten them right to the font's edge, then for some reason they hadn't been baptized. WTF(lip)???

first madame muzet had to cancel b/c her felony court sentencing date was moved back, then the doctor refused to release monsieur blanc from the asylum, and mademoiselle fusee had another run in with the vice squad. finally, our most golden investigator, Pierre, couldn't get baptized b/c his mommy refused to sign the paper.

oh my heck, what were we doing wrong???!!!!! then all of the sudden comp and i were struck with this amazing epifanny. why weren't we having better success with baptisms?

it was b/c of SATAN.

that was it, alright. in every case, we had been outfoxed by the prince of darkness. well, you better believe comp and i weren't going to let the evil one get ahead of us again!!!! :-))))

we did a little fist-pumping happy dance and then went to a quiet place beneath the Pont Noof and i said this prayer to Heavenly Father: "HF if you give comp and me one more golden investigator we promise we won't let your evil twin, SATAN, tempt him or her away to the dark side."

then we opened our eyes and this young woman appeared along the river's edge. she was wearing a lacy silk top, a leather skirt, and super-high heels that made her legs look way hot. comp and i were just like gawking at her when a gold halo appeared over her head. that's how we knew that she was the golden investigator that HF had sent just to us. only this time we had to act fast before SATAN got to her.

i raised my right arm to the square and declared, "super hot french lady, having been commissioned of Jesus Christ, i baptize you in the name of the father and the son and the holy ghost amen."

then comp and i pushed her into the river sane.

take that Satan!!!

hahahaha lololololol :-))))))))))))))))))

we did another happy dance, gave each other high fives, and in unison shouted: our work here is done! :-))))))))))))) hahahahaha

i can't wait to come home now b/c I can truly say that i served with honor. but don't think i'll be getting lazy on you A-4. as soon as i'm released i'm going to get started on my next mission: finding a WIFE!!!!! :-)))))))))

and no way will i let SATAN come between me and my eternal mate!!!!

see you at the next potluck, A-4!!!! pssst -- i hope there's plenty of tater-tot casserole, it takes alot to sustain my testimony. hahahaha lolololol :-))))))))))))

love, elder young

If you would like to stop receiving these emails we may need to act fast before SATAN gets to you.