Ward Gossip

Defending Mitt

2012-01-27T10:53:00.000-08:00

To: Abbottsville Stake
From: Dennis Newsome, Stake Public Affairs Council and Local Romney Campaign Chair
Subject: How I stuck up for Mitt

Dear Abbottsville Stake Members,

I was recently interviewed on our hometown morning show, Cockadoodle-doo Abbottsville! Take a gander at the transcript and tell me how I did. Go Mitt!

_______________

Theme song music punctuated by Cockadoodle-DOO!

Host Vern Hamilton: Good Morning and welcome to Cockadoodle-doo Abbottsville! Our first guest is Mr. Dennis Newsome who is a member of the LDS Church and also the chair of the Abbottsville Romney campaign. Thank you for being here, Mr. Newsome.

Newsome: My pleasure Vern.

Hamilton: Mr. Newsome, I understand that you feel Governor Romney has been miscast in the media.

Newsome: Indeed I do, Vern. In my opinion one of the most heinous characterizations of the former governor is that he is an elite who goes around sipping champagne and eating caviar at fancy cocktail parties.

Hamilton: Well, I think most people understand that as a devout Mormon, the governor doesn't drink champagne, however he is extraordinarily privileged, wouldn't you say?

Newsome: On the contrary, he's the salt of the earth. Why the closest he gets to champagne is Martinelli's Cider, or homemade root beer at an LDS ward potluck.

Hamilton: But aside from what he drinks, he is Ivy League educated, owns multiple houses in exclusive neighborhoods, has offshore bank accounts . . .

Newsome: And is as comfortable as your favorite worn blue jeans. Why he doesn't even care for caviar. Give him some Jello-O and Cool Whip at the good old potluck and he's happy.

Hamilton: But he's also really really rich, right?

Newsome: Absolutely! And He tells people that as often as possible.

Hamilton: I see, so what you're saying is he has no semblance of .... class.

Newsome: Not class conscious in the least.

Hamilton: Yes, well, I'm glad you cleared that up.

Newsome: Have you noticed he's started wearing blue jeans?

Hamilton: Do you mean to say he's just a humble "rank and file" Mormon?

Newsome: Absolutely.

Hamilton: Tithe-payer?

Newsome: Of course.

Hamilton: Does he also serve in various volunteer capacities within the LDS Church?

Newsome: Oh yes, as a bishop, stake president, high councilman, you name it.

Hamilton: Then, as a member of the "rank and file," may we assume he also takes his turn cleaning his ward's meetinghouse?

Newsome: Heck no. Are you kidding? The man makes $57,000 a day, for crying out loud!

Hamilton: Indeed he does. Well, thank you, Mr. Newsome, for being our guest.

Newsome: Anytime Vern.

Hamilton: Our next guest claims her rabbit has psychic abilities. Please stay tuned.

Cut to commercial.

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, click here.

Out And About The Abbottsville Fourth

2012-01-20T14:43:00.000-08:00

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Millie Loomis, self-appointed ward society columnist
Subject: Ward Society Page, vol. 2

Out and About the Abbottsville Fourth Ward

by Millie Loomis

It's amazing what a sister learns when she's out and about the ward. For example, the Harolds missed another house payment, the Turleys finally cleaned out the interior of their Suburban, and a new bed was recently delivered to the Maxwells. (An anonymous source claims that both the bed and Brother Maxwell have moved into the den.)

Other than that, love is in the air for the Fourth Ward, and just in time for Valentine's Day. Brian Miller and Tessie Smith have announced their intention to marry. The ceremony will take place as soon as possible, and will NOT be solemnized in the temple. The Sorensons escaped for a romantic weekend at their cabin at Lake Tahoe. -- I'm guessing that means Brother Sorenson finally got that prescription filled. ;) And Brother Gibson went out on an actual date!

The Relief Society again achieved 100% Visiting Teaching. Even poor Sister Banta got a visit. (The key is to arrive at her house before 10:00 AM so she isn't too ... you know.)

However tithing settlement was not so successful this year. The bishop is still waiting for the McGruffs, the Skousens, and Brother Gibson to come to his office and declare their income. If they don't do so soon, they can expect to lose their good standing in the ward, and any credibility whatsoever. Also, the bishop would like to extend his apology to the Russells. Acting on the suspicion that they hadn't paid an honest tithe, he demanded they submit their tax return. They complied -- and come to find out -- their donation really was 10% of Brother Russell's salary. (Oh dear!)

The Republican primaries have kept Brother Newsome of the Stake Public Affairs Council very busy. In addition to making cool, hip "And I'm a Mormon" ads, he's also engaged in a letter-writing campaign to stop the nosy liberals who want Mitt Romney to release his tax return. Honestly, have they no respect for privacy?

Finally, earlier this month Brother Payson was rushed to the Emergency Room with severe chest pains. Thank goodness the cause was only acute constipation! (My guess is the culprits are his sedentary lifestyle, an excessively high body mass index, and Sister Payson's Velveeta Sausage Pie.)

And that's the news from Out and About the Abbottsville Fourth Ward!

**If you don't want to be mentioned in this column, I suggest you lock all your doors, shutter your windows, disconnect your phone, and unplug your computer.**

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, we'll send over one of Sister Payson's Velveeta Sausage Pies.

Be An LDS Supermom!

2012-01-13T11:33:00.000-08:00

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Susan Renfro, Ward Relief Society President
Subject: How to be a Supermom

Because many members of our Relief Society complain about the stresses of motherhood, I'm forwarding this transcript from a recent installment of GET A LIFE! courtesy BYU Television.

GET A LIFE!

from BYU

Sister Bailey:

Good morning, I'm Karen Bailey, hostess of GET A LIFE! Today our guest is Dr. David Doosh from the BYU Counseling Center. He is here discuss how to be a "supermom." Welcome to our show, Dr. Doosh.

Dr. Doosh:

Thank you for having me.

Sister Bailey:

Dr. Doosh, many mothers in our community complain that they can't be what some call "Supermoms," meaning that they just can't do it all. For example, a friend recently told me that she wished her husband would watch the children more often and that he would stop referring to it "babysitting." After all, he's the parent too. What would you say to this woman?

Dr. Doosh:

I would tell your friend to reframe her outlook. Yes, they are both parents, but they have entirely different stewardships. When her husband refers to caring for his own children as "babysitting" he is paying her an obvious compliment. He is telling his wife that he knows he has neither the patience nor the inclination for childcare that she possesses. The same is true when he leaves the cooking and the cleaning in her charge.

Sister Bailey:

Interesting. So you're saying my friend's husband is really being considerate?

Dr. Doosh:

Exactly. Look at it this way. What if she were to say to her husband, "Honey, how about if I fly to Vegas and attend your convention, and you stay home and be the mom." Well, he'd probably be insulted, don't you think?

Sister Bailey:

Yes, I see your point. Now, Doctor, what advice would you give the mother who just doesn't have enough time or energy to complete all of the chores on her list?

Dr. Doosh:

First off, she needs to prioritize. She could begin by recognizing that as head of the household, her husband's needs come first. Accordingly, the top of her list should include things like "food" and "sex." After that, "laundry," "carpool," "vacuuming," etc. Then at the bottom, things like "personal time."

Sister Bailey:

So if she can't do it all, she can at least accomplish the important things.

Dr. Doosh:

Yes, and I'd also tell her to quit thinking of it as a "list of chores" and start thinking of it as a "list of opportunities." For example, instead of bemoaning how much she hates cleaning the toilet, she could be grateful for the opportunity to eliminate her husband's waste.

Sister Bailey:

I sure enjoy flushing my husband's waste.

Dr. Doosh:

My wife says the same thing! It's a natural feminine reaction. Remember it's not the task. It's the task itself. If a woman would stop reacting to the task, and start appreciating the task itself, she'd lose sight of the task, love the task itself, and stop overreacting to the tasking. I think... Anyway, it's not personal.

Sister Bailey:

What about the mother who is depressed because her life isn't turning out the way she expected it would? How would you help her meet her expectations?

Dr. Doosh:

I'd tell her to lower them. After all, who does she think she is? I'd also tell her to learn to laugh. Laughter is a huge buffer. When she feels like crying -- laugh. When she's exhausted and wants to lie down -- laugh. When she's so angry she wants to scream -- laugh. My wife laughs all day long. It's marvelous.

Sister Bailey:

One final question, Doctor. I have a dear, dear friend who told me last week that she just isn't cut out to be a wife and mother, that she has neither the desire nor the skills to fill that role. What would you say to her?

Dr. Doosh:

I'd say she's being too hard on herself. I mean she must have a few talents. At the very least, she's probably good in bed. That's something to be proud of. So she should focus on what she's good at, and in the meantime work on developing the other skills. For example, she could take a cooking class.

Sister Bailey:

I have been talking with Dr. David Doosh of the BYU Counseling Center. Thank you for sharing your excellent advice with our viewers, Doctor.

Dr. Doosh:

You're very welcome!

Sister Bailey:

Next week on GET A LIFE! my guest will be Dr. Nephi Gladstone from the BYU Medical Center. We will discuss how temple garments can increase sexual fulfillment. Be sure and tune in!

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, you're probably confusing the task with the task at hand.

Fielding Those Pesky FAQ's

2012-01-06T14:20:00.000-08:00

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: H. LaVar Turley, Ward Mission Leader
Subject: Setting the record straight

As we head into 2012, the Romney and Huntsman candidacies promise to bring more scrutiny of the LDS Church. Unfortunately, this may lead to the spreading of many lies and misconceptions. So, now more than ever, it is essential that we are prepared to answer all of those Frequently Asked Questions. For example:

Do the Mormons really believe that God lives on a planet named Kolob?

Answer...

No. That is a complete misconception. Kolob isn't a planet at all. It is a star near the planet that God lives on.

Do the Mormons practice polygamy?

Answer...

No again. That is a bald faced lie. In fact, polygamy isn't even doctrine. Except for that part in the Doctrine and Covenants about how righteous Mormon men go on to become gods who impregnate hundreds of wives and populate their own planets.

Are the Mormons Christians?

Answer...

Yes! In fact the Mormon Church is the only true Christian church. That is because we believe God flew from His planet (not Kolob) to our planet (Earth) and had sex with another man's wife (Mary) who then gave birth to His literal son, Jesus -- who went on to have His own plural wives and planet.

Also because we call ourselves The Church of JESUS CHRIST of Latter-day Saints.

Are Blacks given equal status in the Mormon Church?

Answer...

Absolutely! Now that God has forgiven them for their cowardly conduct in the Pre-Existence, the descendants of Cain are entitled to all of the blessings of the Priesthood. So long as they are male, straight, and don't get too far above themselves.

What is the Mormon Church's stand on Same Sex Marriage?

Answer...

Same Sex Marriage is a strange, perverted and bizarre practice that is at odds with Heavenly Father's definition of traditional marriage. That is, that marriage is between one man and hundreds of women who help Him populate his planet. (Not Kolob.)

When will Mormon women be given the Priesthood?

Answer...

When pigs fly.

If you would like to stop receiving these emails click here.

***Note from blog owner: No offense to Brother Turley, but I think Justin is a far better spokesman. Only those nit-picky admins on mormon.org took down his profile. -- WTF?

What blessings can you receive from reading the Book of Mormon, the Bible, and other scriptures?

Justin answered...

About the same blessings you get from reading The Lord of the Rings or any other work of fiction.

Abbottsville Mormons Ring in the New Year!

2011-12-30T16:05:00.000-08:00

To: Abbottsville Stake
From: Mitchell Knightly, President of the Abbottsville Stake
Subject: New Year's party and resolutions

Because New Year's Day falls on a Sunday this year, we expect everyone to be in church first thing in the morning. In order to facilitate this, we ask all members of the Abbottsville Stake to set their clocks ahead 3 hours on December 31. That way we can have the annual New Year's Eve party until "midnight" and still get up for church the next day.

We'll party on the eve just like those sinful non-members do in Manhattan. Only it will be better because instead of drinking and reveling until dawn in Times Square, we'll be sitting in the stake center cultural hall. Both feet on the floor. Stone cold sober. Until the stroke of "midnight."

Also, don't forget it's resolution time! Here are a few of the suggestions released by the church correlation committee.

Stay out of debt.
Pay a full tithing.
Get married.
Finish you education.
Start having children.
Use your time wisely.
Attend the temple.
Read the Book of Mormon.
Have more children.
Stop questioning.
Spend money wisely.
Quit your job and be a stay at home mom.
Give like the little stream.
Magnify your calling.
Wear your garments day and night.
Get a new look and take up cool sport like skateboarding so you can star in an "And I'm a Mormon" advertisement.
Repent.
Find joy in living the Gospel.
Avoid all loud laughter.
Know the church is true with every fiber of your being.
Stop being gay.
Use cracked wheat in creative ways.
Have more children.
Read the Book of Mormon again.
Vote Republican.
Stop looking at porn.
Admit you look at porn.
Plant forget-me-nots.
Stop having too much fun.
Have more children.

-- A full list of approved resolutions has been condensed into a 175MB PDF file and can be downloaded off the church website.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, we'll assume it's because you're looking at porn, because, let's face it, you probably are.

Celebrating The Season -- Mormon Style

2011-12-20T07:11:00.000-08:00

Note to my dear Readers: this post was originally published on December 15, 2009 when the only people reading my blog were either family members or people who owed me money. I trotted it out for a second run in the hope that more might enjoy it, also so I could have a little break to eat, drink, be merry, and hopefully gain some inspiration. Enjoy and happy holidays!

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Ward Activities Committee
Subject: Holiday Calendar

As Christmas approaches, we remind all in the ward to honor our Savior by attending the following:

Saturday, December 19, 7:00 PM, Ward Meeting House. Relief Society Craft Extravaganza. Sisters will make Palmyra nativity scenes and Angel Moroni tree toppers.

Sunday, December 20, 7:00 PM, Stake Center. Living Creche. President Knightly will portray Joseph Smith.

Monday, December 21, 1:00 PM, Ward Meeting House. Primary Christmas Party. The children will write letters to Joseph Smith, then decorate hat and peep stone cookies.

Tuesday, December 22, 7:00 PM, Ward Meeting House. Screening of It's a Wonderful Life--LDS version. Courtesy of Provo based Moral Movies, Inc., the name of Jimmy Stewart's character has been changed from George Bailey to Joseph Smith.

Wednesday, December 23, 7:00 PM, Ward Meeting House. Holiday Pot Luck. After dinner there will be a special visit from "Joseph and his Elves." (Played by Bishop Z and the Beehive class.)

Thursday, December 24, 7:00 PM. Priesthood-only viewing of church produced, The Passion of the Joseph. Rated X for historical accuracy.

Friday, December 25, 7:00 AM. The stake sing-along of Handel's The Joseph.

Also remember to donate generously to the Joseph Smith Annual Giving Fund, benefiting the protection of traditional marriage.

'Tis the Season!

If you want to stop receiving these e-mails, contact the ward financial clerk and have your credit card handy.

Holiday Musings From The Mission Field

2011-12-13T07:31:00.000-08:00

To: abbottsville fourth ward
From: elder young, france paris mission
Subject: bon jour from the mission field!!!!

hey abbottsville fourth!!!!

first off, thanks all of you for your letters and care packages!! especially sister renfro for the super yummy yule log, and mom for my favorite snowball cookies with the extra chocolate chunks and marshmellow peeps. my comp says i have the best ward ever!!!

i was bummed at the beginning of the week when we learnt that our most golden investigator, pierre, can't be baptized b/c his mommy refused to sign the paper. so now he has to wait 10 long years until he's a legal adult. :(((( also, it's christmas and instead of being home with mom and dad and gramma and uncle burt and aunt tooty, i'm here with comp in dumb old paris. then comp reminded me that we were in gay par-ee, and we should be gay!!! but i didn't feel gay. not even a little. :-/

but as a representative of the one and only true church, i had the spiritual maturity to ignore my personal needs and go about the work of the lord. so comp and i put on our happy faces and road our bikes over to the rue st. hornery to pass out pamphlets.

the street was packed with super uppity french people shopping for gifts at hoity toity stores like hermie's and verscratchy. of course they were all to prideful to take a pamphlet, but comp and i didn't let that stop us. we started sticking them anywhere we could, like in people's bags, or under their armpits. comp even managed to attach one to this old lady's hat!!! lol hahahahahaha :-))))) sometimes people got all mad and threw them on the ground, but that was ok cause then the wind just blew them all over france!!! :-)))))

but here it was almost christmas and all anyone wanted to do was prance around in their gold and silver and fancy clothes and waist there filthy liquor on expensive things instead of listening to our humble message. it kind of reminded me of that Book of Mormon story where all the righteous people were holding onto the rod while the evil hateful ones were living it up in the great and spacious building. then i remembered how in primary class i told teacher that i wanted to climb up the tree of knowledge and swing like tarzan into the building and call everyone to repentance. teacher told me i was cute, but now i realized i was not only cute but also inspired. :-))))))

so comp and i charged into hermie's, pulled the mannequins off this display thingie, climbed up in their place, and i said:

"my fellow parisians, stop spending your filthy liquor on gold and silver and other hoity toity thingies. comp and i have a far more precious gift for you to give, the Book of Mormon!"

then this important looking man came up and demanded we get down from the display thingie. we said we wouldn't and he said we had to and we told him not until we red from the Book of Mormon. he started screaming for us to get down right away. we told him we didn't have to get down b/c we were god's servants and pretty soon we'd be gods ourselves -- while all he'd ever amount to is a lonely eunich way down in a lower kingdome. :-p

then he lunged at our legs. i jumped away and off the display thingie, but he got a hold of comp and said he was taking him to security. i ordered him to release comp. he refused. i raised my right arm to the square and ordered in the name of Jesus Christ. he still refused. so i grabbed a perfume bottle off this counter and sprayed him in the face. he let go of comp and yelled for security. the gendarmes came running through the store and we started running and pretty soon we were in a super cool chase scene like in the davinci code only instead of wonky professors we were valiant servants of the Lord which made us way cooler than tom hanks!!!! :-)))))

this went on for i don't know how long. maybe an hour. then we finally lost them when we ducked behind this curtain. we thought we were safe until we looked up and saw this lady staring at us in nothing but a bra and panties. sacre bleu!!! = O she just rolled her eyes and glared at us -- kind of like that horse faced sister missionary does whenever she sees us coming. we placed a Book of Mormon with her then escaped through an emergency exit.

minutes later comp and i found a quiet place in the jardeen de tweeteries, knelt in prayer, and thanked Heavenly Father for our many blessings. not only had we shared the gospel, placed a Book of Mormon and escaped the gendarmes, i still had that perfume bottle!!!! :-)))))) merry christmas mom! hahahaha

all in a day's work for comp and i. please keep sending care packages, it takes a lot to sustain our testimonies. hahaha :-)))) lol lol lol

love to all of you :-))))

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, we'll send over one of Sister Renfro's super yummy yule logs.

Holiday Talking Points For Mormons

2011-12-06T07:39:00.000-08:00

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Dennis Newsome, Stake First Counselor and advisor to the Stake Public Affairs Council
Subject: Send the right message this season

As all of you know, the forces of evil have gathered to undermine the campaign of the one and only true candidate, Mitt Romney. If we are to prevail against this anti-Mormon element, we must take control of the message so there is no longer any confusion over how we and the candidate stand on the issues. In that light, the Stake Public Affairs Council has composed a variety of Christmas messages, each crafted for a specific audience. Please divide your holiday cards in the following manner:

To our Evangelical Christian friends:

As members of The Church of JESUS CHRIST of Latter-day Saints, we celebrate the birth of JESUS CHRIST by reading our KING JAMES BIBLES and bearing witness to our fellow CHRISTIANS that JESUS CHRIST is our personal savior. We also remind you that Utah is the most conservative state in the country.

Merry CHRISTmas from your brothers and sisters in CHRIST!

To our Tea Party Friends:

As believing Mormons, we pray that 2012 brings lower taxes, an increase in racial profiling, English only in the schools, an end to Obamacare, and a return to the traditional values that made the good old US of A the greatest country on earth. We also remind you that Utah recently passed one of the country's strictest anti-immigration laws.

Merry Christmas to our fellow natural born citizens who aren't afraid of hard work!

To our independent friends:

As devout followers of the faith of our fathers, we hope that the New Year brings an end to polarized politics, the senseless bickering in Washington, and the blurring of the line between church and state. Also don't forget that Utah has "the best snow on earth."

Happy Holidays to our fellow iconoclasts and non-conformists.

To our liberal friends:

As members of an ethnically diverse minority faith, we hope that 2012 brings us closer to the day when everyone is treated equally, regardless of race, religion, gender, or sexual orientation. We remind you that Utah was one of the first states to give women the vote.

Merry Christmas, Feliz Navidad, Buon Natale, Happy Hanukkah, Joyous Kwanzaa, and Aloha!

To our LDS friends:

Forget Christmas, December marks the birth of our beloved prophet, Joseph Smith. (Jesus's birthday isn't until April.) Also it's tithing settlement time, so instead of buying presents, you need to pony up the dough to your local bishop, and toss in a little extra for good measure. We remind you that the Salt Lake shopping mall the church owns isn't doing so well, and the prophet has a new ad campaign to fund.

Merry and Happy, now get back to work.

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, we'll assume you didn't get the memo.

Stocking Stuffers For The Sisters

2011-11-29T11:57:00.000-08:00

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward Relief Society
From: Susan Renfro, Ward Relief Society President
Subject: Holiday gift suggestions

Dear Sisters,
Books make the best Christmas gifts, especially for the righteous members of our Go Sit in the Corner for Women book club. This season consider the following LDS titles:

The

Devil

Wears Mr. Mac

by
Anonymous

Ever wanted to be a fly on the prophet's wall? The Devil Wears Mr. Mac offers its readers precisely that. Written under the cloak of anonymity, this unexpurgated memoir recalls the experiences of a secretary who worked on the highest level at the Church Office Building. Follow along with "our girl Friday" as she fetches his Postum, schedules his calendar, provides his meals, tends to his wardrobe, and otherwise "inspires" the Lord's mouthpiece. Witness first hand the petty back-biting between the apostles. Learn how they really measure up in the locker room. Experience the backstage drama when Elder Packer's teleprompter fails. See how long President Uchtdorf spends in make-up. And witness the holy hell that breaks loose when the Seer and Revelator misses his pedicure. A must read for the General Authority groupie.

Mormon Intellectual

Milton Pace, PhD

In this intimate memoir, Nobel physicist Milton Pace shares how he remains both a scientist and a believing Mormon thanks to his unshakable faith and burning testimony. He also credits Valium, primal scream therapy, Prozac, a padded cell and a polo mallet.

Paul H. Dunn

the authorized biography

by G. Reginald Durham

Paul H. Dunn, the authorized biography chronicles the true story of the world's most influential and well-connected Mormon. In addition to personal accounts of Elder Dunn's widely known triumphs on the battle and baseball fields, this new and fully annotated biography includes never before told stories about the former General Authority. Readers will be transported to the pre-existence, where Elder Dunn fought on the front lines in the War in Heaven, struck out Satan in the bottom of the ninth, and mingled with all manner of kings and queens, priests and priestesses. They will also glimpse his interactions with a host of LDS characters, including Nephi, Moroni, Ammon, Tom Trails, Johnny Lingo, and Charly. No believing Latter-day Saint should miss out on this amazing piece of work.

MEN ARE FROM

KOLOB

Women are from

Costco

by
Larry R. Martin, MD

This breakthrough best seller presents the scriptural and scientific reasoning that supports the LDS priesthood holder's God-given right to buy in bulk.

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, we suggest you try primal scream therapy.

It's Ward Cocktail Hour!

2011-11-17T11:26:00.000-08:00

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Dennis Newsome, Stake First Counselor and advisor to the Stake Public Affairs Council
Subject: Belly up to the bar Abbottsville Fourth!

The holiday season brings countless opportunities to show our non-member friends how hip and cool we really are. And nothing says "hip" better than than a swinging cocktail party! Think a Mormon household's too square to pull one off? Well, then think again, cool cats. You can whip up a groovy clam bake that's every bit as hoppin' as the neighbor's. All you need are a few common household ingredients.

Alcohol Substitutes

whiskey -- Karo Syrup

gin -- clam juice

vodka -- Windex

tequila -- Mountain Dew

rum -- root beer

kahlua -- balsamic vinegar

grenadine -- Kitchen Bouquet

triple sec -- Mr Bubble

schnapps -- dehydrated pear powder**

**The dust that settles at the bottom of your #10 can of dehydrated pear flakes is an excellent cocktail ingredient. It also makes great smoothies.

Use in the following recipes:

White Russian

1 1/2 oz Windex

3/4 oz balsamic vinegar

3/4 oz milk

Cosmopolitan

2 oz Windex

3/4 oz Mr Bubble

1 oz lime juice

1 oz cranberry juice

Sex on the Beach

1 oz Windex

1/2 oz dehydrated pear powder

1 dash Kitchen Bouquet

2 oz orange juice

Long Island Iced Tea

3/4 oz Windex

3/4 oz clam juice

3/4 oz root beer

3/4 oz Mountain Dew

3/4 oz Karo Syrup

3/4 oz Mr Bubble

dash of lemon juice

Rum and Coke

1 part root beer

2 parts root beer

So get shaking, you crazy kids! It's time to show the world how down we really are. Start a Sinatra album spinning, mix up your favorite poison, then saunter into the old cul-de-sac and shout out, "Hey fellow hipsters! Like to join me for a little drinky poo?"

If you would like to stop receiving these emails we'll bring the party to your house ... you crazy kids.

Coolness 101 For Mormons

2011-11-10T11:02:00.000-08:00

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Donna Banta
Subject: How to be cool

Two weeks ago the Thursday Styles section of The New York Times ran a feature entitled, To Be Young, Hip, and Mormon. It outlined the dilemma for trendy young members who are constrained by LDS Church standards. The piece went on to describe how many of the faithful get around the restrictions in order to look like they're cool. For example, a male BYU student who wants to grow a beard may obtain a "beard card" by developing a serious skin condition, or he could land the lead role in a play about Jesus. A young, hip Mormon party girl could order a Pellegrino and not bother to correct anyone who suggests she's just out of rehab. Or a trendy youth might get a pass on the "no tattoo" policy if he's inked with an image of a beehive.

This whole "looking cool" baloney is nothing new. In my day, it was women fighting to be allowed to wear "feminine cut" jeans on the BYU campus. But here's the thing, Brother or Sister Hipster. Even though you're on-trend in your button-down plaid shirt, rolled selvedge jeans and boat shoes, underneath you're still wearing that dowdy magic underwear you received in a temple where you dressed up like the Pillsbury Dough Boy at a toga party and pledged all of your time, talent and resources to an organization that is devoted to subjugating women and "curing" gays. Do you get where I'm going with this Abbottsville Fourth Ward? Let me spell it out for you.

Looking cool isn't the same as being cool.

That's why I love Post-Mormon Sundays at the San Francisco Ferry Building. I get to hang with people who are truly cool, on their own, regardless of what they are wearing, and without advertising.

As I've said before, just because we're ex-Mormons doesn't mean we don't have testimonies. This month we shared how we gained the knowledge that being a Mormon wasn't "cool." These were a few of our red flags:

One young man realized that the temple ceremony wasn't going to be "cool" when the temple worker began by asking him to take off all of his clothes.
Another realized that Spencer W. Kimball wasn't a very "cool" prophet when he said (via The Miracle of Forgiveness) that masturbation leads to homosexuality, and that homosexuality leads to bestiality. (Hello? Bestiality?)
A returned missionary felt very "uncool" when his leaders ordered him and his companion to round up an elder that had sneaked away from his mission. Late at night under the cloak of darkness, they wandered the neighborhood peeking in windows and finally found him after they crawled under a family's house and heard the poor kid's voice. (I should point out that this was in Southern Louisiana where the houses are on stilts. Even so, definitely not "cool.")
A woman remembers being very "uncool" when she told the love of her life she would only date him if he sat through 3 hours of church with her every Sunday and took the missionary discussions.

Cool without an ad campaign

So there you are, Abbottsville Fourth. You may look cool at church in your Zooey Deschanel ruffled blouses, high collars and high-waisted pencil skirts. But we are cool at the Ferry Building. And we never worry about how we look because we're comfortable with who we are.

EVEN COOLER! Our nephew, Dan, got a shout out on Foxhole Atheist, Justin Griffith's blog!

Dan, the famous Air Force atheist.

And if I have offended any of you ... that probably means you're in the wrong crowd! Hang with us next month.

Occupy Temple Square Movement Gains Momentum

2011-11-01T07:41:00.000-07:00

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward

From: Brother J. "Bull" Barton, Ward Preparedness Specialist
Subject: Ward Preparedness EMERGENCY Update

I interrupt your ward activities with this EMERGENCY Update!! Please read the following alarming article and be prepared to defend your households against the influx of these evil elements into our community.
___________________

Utah Lifestyle Magazine

Kristen Pace, Utah Lifestyle Staff Writer

SALT LAKE CITY -- When I joined the energized Occupy Temple Square protest on Sunday, I couldn't help but marvel that it all began less than two weeks ago at a Relief Society Personal Enrichment Night in Woods Cross. Who knew then that Sister Lydia Moss's weepy reaction to her craft project would spawn such a phenomenon.

I found Ms. Moss and her fellow Relief Society Sisters gathered on the square around a placard that read, Our 10% Goes To The Top 1%.

"When I looked down at my assigned project, I was overcome with profound sadness," said Moss. "Then the sadness turned to fear. Fear that my entire life might be defined by the sickening craft in front of me. Then my fear turned to anger, and I rose up and shouted, "I DON'T WANT TO MAKE A PAPER-MACHE PIG!"

"The mood in the Relief Society room was electric," said Georgina Walsh. "It was like an awakening. We were all crying and hugging."

"That pig was truly the ugliest thing I've ever seen," said a sister who identified herself as "Bra Strap."

"Then we had this epiphany," said Moss. "We realized that if we didn't have to pay tithing, we could go to Pottery Barn and buy some really cute things for our houses. That made us question. Why do we pay tithing? Where does all that money go?"

"It sure as shootin' doesn't trickle down to us," remarked Bra Strap. "We've got to clean the ward toilets and invent ways to make our houses attractive using glitter pens and duct tape. Meanwhile the fat cats on Temple Square are building fancy condos and shopping malls."

Ms. Walsh, known to her friends as a shy and soft-spoken person, became uncharacteristically animated. "I asked my husband Rulon why the church doesn't disclose its finances. He told me because they obviously spend their money on maintaining the buildings and providing services for the church members."

"Didn't Rulon paint the ward cultural hall last week?" Moss asked her.

"Yes and nobody paid him for it," Walsh replied, then her eyes widened. "You know, I don't think my Rulon is very smart."

"So right then we decided to occupy Temple Square," Moss said proudly. "We've been here ever since."

The movement has grown to the hundreds, and it's no longer just women. Gays and intellectuals have joined in the protest.

A man who called himself "Queer Sex Fiend," held up a sign that read I'm OUT! "I don't want to be part of an organization whose sole purpose seems to be keeping me from getting laid," he said, then sighed. "Am I being selfish?"

Meanwhile, Eugene Spellman PhD, had set up a telescope outside of the yurt he constructed on South Temple. I asked him why he was here and he shot me a sarcastic look. "I came to get a glimpse of Kolob, of course."

Because protesters are not allowed on Temple Square, the crowds were relegated to the heavily guarded perimeters. Nevertheless, some have slipped past LDS Church Security. Most notably, a group of anonymous BYU coeds who disguised themselves as brides, waded into the reflecting pool, stripped off their gowns, and splashed around in nothing but brief bikinis.

The so-called "Bikini Rebellion" was spearheaded by an anonymous blogger who calls herself "Jane Mo." In an email exchange, Jane wrote, "At BYU, we can't wear anything that shows our shape, much less reveals any skin. It's not fair that we should have to cover up, especially when we're such total hotties." The increasing number of women who now bare (almost) all has set up camp outside of Bruno's, a popular micro-brewery next to the square. "We're not backing down," Jane continued. "Not even in bad weather. We're too determined. Also, the guys at Bruno's promise they'll keep us warm."

The Occupy Movement has even extended to children. I found 10 year old Melissa Young outside the Eagle Gate dressed in her Spongebob Squarepants costume. "I wanted to be Spongebob for Halloween, but my stake president said no transgender costumes," she whined, then stamped her foot. "It was the last straw." Six year old Billy Marks stood at her side. He held up a sign that read, Why Can't I Be "Just a Kitty?"

At presstime, the Movement continues to multiply its ranks. In response the LDS Church General Relief Society Presidency has issued the following statement:

"The Occupy Temple Square Movement may attempt to entertain for an evening or two, but a paper mache pig can bring a lifetime of enjoyment."

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, we'll send you some glitter pens and a roll of duct tape.

Out And About The Abbottsville Fourth

2011-10-28T10:50:00.000-07:00

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Millie Loomis, self appointed ward society columnist
Subject: Ward society page debut!

Dear fellow ward members,

Out of the goodness of my heart, I've agreed to pen a ward society column. It will be a fun, lighthearted piece dedicated to keeping us all connected. Enjoy!

Out and About the Abbottsville Fourth Ward

by Millie Loomis

It's amazing what a sister learns when she's out and about the ward. For example, the Sorensons have a new car! (They're leasing.) The Turleys finally have all of their kids out of diapers (for now.) And Brother and Sister Payson took a romantic trip to Hawaii. (For the record, the Paysons want me to report that this was a FREE vacation bought with points earned through Brother Payson's business travel. Also, they attended all of their church meetings, visited the Hawaii temple, read their scriptures, and spent only one hour on the beach.)

Kimmie Madsen, Tyler Smith, and Derek Young all turned 8 this month and were baptized and confirmed members of the one and only true church. Unfortunately, Petey Skousen's baptism had to be delayed because of his pants-wetting problem. But as soon as he proves he can control his bladder for a sustained period, he will be allowed to wade into the font to be washed clean of his sins.

The Relief Society is proud to report they achieved 100% Visiting Teaching this month. Every single sister was visited, including poor Sister Banta. (Her Visiting Teachers were smart this time and dropped by in the early AM -- before she'd consumed too many cocktails.)

Likewise, the Elders Quorum is proud to report that all 23 of it's members have successfully impregnated their wives. -- Even Brother Russell, whose sperm count has recovered since he gave up porn. : )

Also, I have finally gotten to the bottom of that embarrassing coffee pot sighting in the Belnap household. It turns out that Sister Belnap's mother is a non-member who insists on drinking coffee when she visits. The Belnaps want everyone in the ward to know that they would never tolerate such rudeness if Sister Belnap wasn't the sole heir to her mother's enormous fortune.

The Vincents had a scare this month when they learned that their son, Davey Vincent, had a date with a non-member! Acting on the authority of his priesthood, Brother Vincent immediately rushed him to the ER to check for STD's. Thankfully, the boy is fine. Whew! It was a close call, though.

And, on a sad note, Sister Viola Dixon, age 89, passed peacefully into the next life last Thursday. She left behind 6 children, 42 grandchildren, 102 great-grandchildren, and a 60 year supply of bottled cherries. The ward took the fermented jars over to poor Sister Banta.

And that's the news from Out and About the Abbottsville Fourth!

**If you don't want to be mentioned in this column, I suggest you lock all your doors, shutter your windows, disconnect your phone, and unplug your computer.**

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, ditto the above.

My Own Private Utah

2011-10-19T12:50:00.000-07:00

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Donna Banta
Subject: From the sublime to the ridiculous to the sublime

Some years back, a poster on an exmormon chat board wrote, "Utah is a land of both natural beauty and cultural ugliness." On our recent visit we swung back and forth between the two.

The Sublime: Visiting Mark's wonderful parents, sister and brother-in-law.

The Ridiculous: driving down the construction torn I-15 where gravel trucks rumble along en masse and every exit ramp from American Fork to Provo is closed. -- A tough situation for Mark who was suffering a massive smog-induced nose bleed, and needed to pull off the road. (I wonder how the myriad moms in labor cope with this scenario. There have to be stories: "I was in Cedar Hills on the I-15 when my water broke. The exits were blocked clear down to Spanish Fork, so I ended up having to slow down and drop the baby onto the floor of my Suburban. The guy behind me laid on his horn and flipped me the bird." . . . But I digress.)

More Ridiculous: visiting Shelf Reliance, the food storage mecca that sells the ingredients for our upcoming exmormon "Freeze Dried Potluck." Since Boyd K. Packer had recently told the faithful that the apocalypse is no longer nigh, I hoped to snag a bargain or two. Sadly, I was disappointed. The salesman had an entirely new selling point for his freeze-dried product line entitled, "THRIVE." -- The taste! -- Wearing a dazed, vapid grin that suggested he'd inhaled too much inter-mountain air, the sales rep spooned up samples of dried gravel, then went on like an oenophile at a Napa Valley barrel tasting. "This is our raspberries paired with the dried vanilla yogurt balls. Savor them slowly, so as to engage the entire palate."

The Sublime: Finally getting one on one face time with my friend Jennifer, The Cognitive Dissenter, and co-author of White and Delightsome. We decided to tone down the erotica on W&D and amp up the female empowerment as well as the attacks on the homophobic white guys who run the LDS Church. (But there'll still be sex, because that's all those guys ever think about.)

Equally Sublime: The Ex-Mormon Conference where I got to hear awesome speakers like Richard Packham who said, "One man's sacred cow is another man's hamburger." Also I got to hang out with some of the coolest people on earth like InsanaD who wrote this in the "Personal Progress" manual I purchased at Deseret Book:

"My project is to achieve full salvation and the status of an elect woman/jewel in some man's celestial crown. I plan to do special kegel exercises so that as he enters my sacred vessel he can release his full priesthood blessing within my womb and I can use my body to bring forth dozens of babies, forever and ever and rinse and repeat until my uterus flushes out like a glop of latex paint from a plastic bucket."

The sublime InsanaD

The Ridiculous: Our visit to Temple Square.

I wore black.

All the other women wore white.

The above bride and groom told their wedding party to follow them to the local Chuck-A-Rama for the reception. If only my friend at Shelf Reliance had known. He could have provided them with a cheaper alternative:

Then I escaped . . . and lived to tell about it.

Ward Gossip Girl Sneaks Behind Enemy Lines

2011-10-12T18:38:00.000-07:00

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Donna Banta
Subject: I've entered the Twilight Zone

I will return and report ...

General Conference Rocks!

2011-10-04T08:56:00.000-07:00

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Donna Banta
Subject: My conference weekend

Back when I was a Mormon, I hated conference weekend. Mostly because we had to get all dressed up and drag our little kids to the church to watch the thing on closed circuit TV. I did everything I could to get out of it, wheedling my then devout husband with excuses. "Nobody really watches conference on Saturday, right?" or "We can read all the talks next month in The Ensign, right?" Whether or not I got my way depended on the convincingness of my argument combined with how much the children and I had worn down Mark's patience.

More often than not we stayed home. But I did sit through some winner sessions. I remember being told to avoid symposia and not to say prayers to Heavenly Mother. I recall a bizarre talk by Boyd K. Packer that began with him flying into a rage over the notion of a man baking a pie. Also, I'll never forget a mind-numbingly boring analogy from some garrulous old coot who went on about how he used to straighten out bent nails with his dad's hammer. I don't remember who gave the talk, only that the nail story droned on for the length of a bible but never arrived at a point. --Meanwhile, the A/C in the chapel was overtaxed, my pantyhose were sagging, and we had run out of Cheerios for the kids.

In those days I would have done anything to get out of watching conference. A root canal, a four hour mammogram, an unsedated colonoscopy, even a C-SPAN marathon.

But times have changed. Now, I look forward to conference! I was a little disorganized on Saturday, so I missed hearing Boyd K. Packer advise the faithful that the second coming was not imminent. (Damn! See what you miss when you aren't prepared?) But I did catch Bednar's talk about how young people should give up facebooking and tweeting for the far more scintillating online pastime, genealogy!

I snorted serious amounts of Pelegrino through my nose, then called out to Mark. "Honey, get in here, you're missing Bednar!"

"I'm not listening to that prick," he hollered back.

"But sweetheart, this is awesome. He's telling teenagers to look up the dead on their smart phones. Also his face is all pink and sweaty like he just googled his great-great aunt Gertrude and downloaded an image of her in her corset."

Mark escaped to the kitchen. I turned up the volume. A dick named Andersen was going on about multiplying and replenishing the earth.

"Oh my god, Mark you wouldn't believe it. This total blowhard just told a story about a guy who's looking at his sixth child -- a daughter -- just minutes after her birth, has an epiphany, then runs to the bedside of his recovering wife and tells her the Lord said He wants them to have a seventh child and it will be a boy!"

Mark stared back at me with a desperate expression, the same one he wore the time I was taking too long in Target and he had to fake a stroke to get me out of there. Thankfully he just said, I'm going to Joxer's for a beer, wanna come? Out of respect for his priesthood, I submitted.

Then Sunday rolled around and we got up early, put on nice clothes, and went to something way more special than Conference: a NorCal Post-Mormon party.

They offered a fine selection of beverages

This time Donavan and Scott opened up their house to us and served coffee made from beans they roasted themselves. Delicious. As was the Post-Mormon potluck fare that was refreshingly free of processed foods. Also Christina and Warren's mimosas were literally a revelation.

And, just because we're Ex-Mormons, doesn't mean we're not inspired.

Donavan waxed poetic on the blessings of alcohol on an empty stomach. He also admitted that he left the church at around age 11, when he was kicked out of the "Tuesday afternoon thing."
Anagrammy shared how in Relief Society she learned to make "meat" by soaking the gluten out of bread dough in her washing machine, pounding it thin, slicing it into "cutlets," then soaking it in bouillon and passing it off as Swiss steak. (The kids ate it, the dog refused.)
Warren and Christina couldn't understand all the weird looks they were getting when they visited Colorado City. That is until they remembered they were riding around in Christina's car with the license plate, WRNSGRL.
Tyler asked, "Do you think Joseph Smith married all of those women because of sex, or was it a power thing?" To which I responded, "I think it was mostly about his dick."
We all concluded that Packer's announcement about the last days was aimed at protecting Romney in the upcoming election, so that voters won't think he's a member of some crazy cult. (And who better to deliver the message than the craziest guy in the cult?)

I admit, I am a little sorry I missed Tad Callister's talk. He was in my hometown stake in Glendale, California. Back then he seemed like an articulate and intelligent person. However, from what I hear, his talk was an irrational, insane rant. So either I have a bad a memory, or a lifetime of service in the LDS Church has turned yet another potentially normal person into a garrulous old coot.

For that, and many other reasons, I am eternally grateful for Ex-Mormons. Also for mimosas.

Super Special Standards Night For The Young Women

2011-09-30T09:05:00.000-07:00

To: Abbottsville Stake
From: JayNell Tweedy, Abbottsville Stake Young Women's President
Subject: The best Standards Nights ever!

Last weekend the Young Women of the Abbottsville Stake were privileged to hear from the popular youth speaker, L. Franklin Higginbottom. As a member of the Second Quorum of the Seventy, Elder Higginbottom travels extensively on behalf of the Church, and has an uncanny knack for being seated next to celebrities on airplanes. Here is an excerpt from his remarks:

Once on a flight to Houston I happened to be seated next to a sickly looking man with a funny accent.

"My name is L. Franklin Higginbottom," I said. "I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. What's your name?"

"My name is Mick Jagger," he said.

Now, please understand I am in no way speaking evil of the man. I have all the respect in the world for Mick Jagger. It's just that I think his life, his work, and everything he stands for and believes is repulsive, disgusting, and totally of the devil.

So naturally I was anxious to talk to him. As we proceeded in the discussion he probably had four or five alcoholic drinks. I finally asked, "Tell me Mick, with all due respect, why do you play such sleazy and revolting music?"

"L. Franklin," he said. - And this is a DIRECT QUOTE. - "Everything I play is calculated to drive the LDS Young Women to sex!"

So you see my young sisters? This is what the world is trying to do to you! Let me share another experience.

Once on a flight to Detroit I sat next to a scantily clad woman also with a funny accent.

"Hello," I said. "My name is L. Franklin Higginbottom. I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. What's your name?"

"My name is J.K. Rowling."

"Hello miss," I replied.

"I SAID my name is J.K. Rowling." She pointed to the book in her lap.

"Oh my heck," I said. "I thought you were a man!"

"Well you were bloody well wrong then, weren't you?" she said.

I said a silent prayer for guidance, then I respectfully asked, "No offense, ma'am, but why do you write such sleazy, satanic, revolting books?"

"L. Franklin," she said. - Another DIRECT QUOTE. - "Everything I write is calculated to drive the LDS Young Women to sex!"

And try this one on for size:

Once on a Jet Blue flight into Pocatello I sat next to a woman who wore a plunging neckline that revealed a lizard tattoo on her left bosom.

"Hello," I said. "My name is L. Franklin Higginbottom. I'm a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. What's you name?"

"My name is Hillary Clinton."

Now, don't get me wrong, I don't want to speak evil of the woman. I have nothing but respect for her personally. It's just that I think her life, her work, and everything she stands for belongs in the toilet.

"Tell me Hillary, why do you represent such vile and disgusting values?"

After four of five alcoholic drinks, she answered:

"L. Franklin," she said. - I swear this is verbatim. - "Everything I do is calculated to drive the LDS Young Women to sex!"

Allow me to share one more experience. On the rental car shuttle at the Cleveland airport I happened to sit next to a dark complected young man with a suspiciously pleasant expression.

"Hello," I said. "My name is L. Franklin Higginbottom. I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. What's your name?"

"My name is Barack Obama."

I said a silent prayer for guidance, then asked, "Barack, with all due respect, why do you say such vile, disgusting, obnoxious ..."

He raised a hand to silence me. "OK man, I think I know where you're going with this. The truth is, L. Franklin, everything I do is calculated to drive the LDS Young Women to sex!"

So there you go!

Elder Higginbottom concluded his remarks by warning the Young Women to stop listening to music, reading books, and watching the news. In their place he suggested they study the teachings of the man who genuinely admired LDS Young Women: The Prophet, Joseph Smith.

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, you've probably had four or five alcoholic drinks.

Ward Gossip Enters Its Terrible Twos

2011-09-22T17:30:00.000-07:00

To: The wonderful people who read my blog
From: Donna Banta
Subject: Ward Gossip turns two!

Two years ago I began publishing the e-mails from the Abbottsville Fourth Ward. Since then I have received 832 comments from readers. I have appreciated every one. Many of the comments have come from fellow bloggers in my excellent blogroll that I hope to expand in the coming year. Right now, I'd like to specifically boast about a few very talented bloggers to whom I am especially grateful:

My brilliant friend Jennifer who writes The Cognitive Dissenter and is my partner on White and Delightsome.
Ahab, who keeps a wary eye on the Religious Right at The Republic of Gilead.
Just Zena whose Random Fartings of a Gaseous Mind are actually a breath of fresh air.
Nance who takes time out from her musings on religion and politics at Mature Landscaping to read my juvenile blog.
Paul Sunstone who I wish would get back to posting on Cafe Philos.
Ditto to InsanaD at Kori-whore's Double D's.
Diane Tingen who casts a spotlight on Mormonism at Mormon Schism.
C.L. Hanson who writes Letters from a broad, and has linked Ward Gossip to her Sunday Outer Blogness column on MSP more times than I probably deserve. (I finally ordered her book ExMormon from Amazon and it arrived today!!)
Chino Blanco from MSP and LdC and Carla at Life as a Reader, who both nominated me for Brodie awards. A huge compliment, since I am big fans of them both.

The other deserving bloggers whom I accidentally left off the above list. Please reprimand me in the comment field!

Also in honor of this anniversary and as a tribute to how I've dwindled my free time for yet another year, I bring you the year in review:

I'm so confused!

We began in October when Boyd K. Packer's homophobic and borderline insane ramblings during the LDS General Conference provided me with the material for a post that ended up winning the prestigious Brodie Award. I can't thank him enough, or to paraphrase Trey Parker, "You did it Boyd, you got the Brodie!"

In November we met Elder Young for the first time!!!:))))

I also eulogized the great Leslie Nielson with a take on how Lt. Drebin's temple endowment session may have gone:

Lieutenant Drebin takes an unassuming seat some three rows back from the altar. The officiator dims the lights and begins the film. Only instead of God creating the universe, we get The Three Stooges bonking each other on the head. Drebin leaps from his seat, rushes up the aisle, knocks over the officiator, and begins fooling with the knobs behind the altar. The lights flicker on and off, the curtains go up and down, and The Three Stooges keep bonking each other. Then the altar explodes and sends Drebin flying through the veil and into the Celestial Room where he dangles from the crystal chandelier. The chandelier crashes down, the player piano blares from the speakers, and Drebin careens through the temple on a madcap romp that ends when he knocks the temple matron into the baptismal font, just after accidentally ripping off her dress.

In December President Knightly announced the reinstatement of the Stake Single Adult Program!**
**Pending the completion of the following requirements:

Obtain a temple recommend or complete the Official Worthiness Questionnaire
Fulfill your usual assignment at the Stake Family Christmas Party. That is, set up, serve dinner, man the nursery, and clean up afterwards.
Attend tithing settlement. (Remember to bring your tax return!)
Resolve to be married by the end of 2011.

January's highlight was the release of another inspiring "And I'm a Mormon" ad featuring Julia who proudly boasted:

I'm a toy coordinator, a librarian, a craftswoman, a gourmet chef, a mentor, and a toilet scrubber.

My name is Julia Vincent.

~~And I work at Walmart.~~

And I'm a Mormon.

Then February rolled around and we met Brother Bull Barton, the Ward Preparedness Specialist, who raised the Ward Threat Level to Orange and urged the members to have the following on hand:

Hazmat suits -- 2 per family member

Hand guns -- 2 per family member

Ammunition -- you can never have enough

Duct tape -- 4 rolls per family member

Consecrated oil -- 1 gallon per family member

Scriptures, The Ensign, dominoes, Yahtzee, Twister, and other amusements to help pass time in the bunker.

In March, an alarming incident occurred inside the Abbottsville temple when Brother Wilbur Simmons accidentally hit the fast forward button on the temple video and spun the room into chaos.

Only the best of feelings should exist
within the prayer circle.

"The prayer circle got nasty," said Sister Lee Ann Hargen of the Abbottsville First Ward. "There was a lot of rough and tumble Patriarchal Gripping. Also, some obscene gesturing with the Sign of the Nail."

Also, I paid tribute to my wonderful husband on his birthday, with a retrospective on his life before and after he left the LDS Church.

Then in April I discovered that The Book of Mormon is true! That is, when I finally got to see the real thing on Broadway -- thanks to our amazing friend, Olivia, who got us tickets, and David, who got us reservations at some of Manhattan's finest eateries!

In May I reviewed the film version of God's other favorite musical, Saturday's Warrior. Here is an excerpt:

"He's Just a Friend/Dear John," (is) a peppy number that alternates between a G-Rated bump and grind featuring Julie and her sisters, and a chorus line of male missionaries who perform an awkward routine that makes them look like dogs relieving themselves along a row of hydrants. (Forget the feminists and gays, the ones the Brethren should really go after are the choreographers.)

In front of Jane Austen's
brother's house in Chelsea

At the beginning of June the Abbottsville Fourth Ward's email temporarily went into spam while I visited Emily in London.

Later that month, I again eulogized another great actor, Peter Falk. This time, I imagined how Columbo might have investigated a murder involving the LDS Church Authorities:

Columbo: Say President (Monson), you don't happen to have a light, do you?
President: We don't smoke, Lieutenant.
Columbo: Oh I'm sorry, sir, I had no idea. How rude of me. . . . Now, my wife, she would've known that, see, because she has some nice Mormon friends in Vegas. She meets up with them whenever she goes there to gamble.

July turned out to be a very busy month because Jennifer (The Cognitive Dissenter) and I debuted our new blog, White and Delightsome.
Also, President Knightly listed several reasons why people just can't leave the Mormons alone. Among them:

They're bored.

When's the last time you met a non-member who actually had a life? While we're going to church, doing our home teaching and visiting teaching, cleaning the ward toilets, and otherwise standing for righteousness, they're spending their time watching porn and chugging malt liquor.When the liquor finally runs out, they've no other option than to pick on the poor defenseless Mormons who've never done a thing to them.

Finally, in August, Mark Crawford gave his martini-infused take on The Fourteen Fundamentals for Following the Prophet. For example:

1. The prophet is the only man who speaks for the Lord in everything. -- The prophet speaks for everyone, including God.

2. The living prophet is more vital to us than the standard works. -- If you listen to the prophet you shouldn't read the Bible, or anything else for that matter.

3. The living prophet is more important to us than a dead prophet. -- With the exception of the dead prophet who compiled this list.

4. The prophet will never lead the church astray. -- Four martinis a piece, and we still couldn't come up with a way to improve on that one.

And here we are in September 2011 -- two years and 116 posts since Ward Gossip began -- and the Abbottsville Fourth still hasn't taken me off of its email list. Tell me, dear readers, is there a particular ward member you would like to hear more from? Or a topic you might like to explore? While I don't pretend to have any clout with my former priesthood leaders, I could send them a suggestion or two. -- Anything for my wonderful readers.

9/11 Versus The Sluts At BYU-Idaho

2011-09-16T08:30:00.000-07:00

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Donna Banta
Subject: The wisdom of Brother and Sister Bednar

My dear friends in the Abbottsville Fourth Ward,

As we have just observed the 10 year anniversary of 9/11, I thought it appropriate to remember how some "inspired leaders" at BYU-Idaho cared for their flock in the wake of this terrible event.

On Tuesday, September 11, 2001, students at BYU-I in Rexburg, Idaho, awoke to the news that terrorists had hijacked and flown planes into the twin towers of the World Trade Center in Manhattan, and into the Pentagon in Washington DC. Soon after that they learned that a fourth hijacked plane had crashed in a field near Shanksville, PA. Like most college-aged Americans, they reacted with a combination of shock, confusion, and grief. For many, this was their first experience living away from home. Fortunately, because it was Tuesday, their weekly religious devotional was on the schedule. Also, because it was the beginning of the school year, the speaker was to be the president of BYU-I, David Bednar. Students flocked to the meeting seeking comfort and guidance. Here's what they received:

President Bednar began with the following statement from the First Presidency:

In this hour of sorrow, the First Presidency of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints expresses profound sympathy to those whose loved ones, friends, and associates were lost or injured in today's senseless acts of violence. We offer our prayers in behalf of the innocent victims of these vicious attacks. We ask our Heavenly Father to guide President Bush and his advisors as they respond to these devastating incidents.

Bednar then announced that as of 12 PM MST all the missionaries in New York City and Washington DC had been accounted for, and that the Elders on grounded flights were also in safe hands. Having put everyone's mind to rest, he declared that class would go on as planned. After that, he and his wife, Susan, each presented a talk.

Sister Bednar's speech was a warm and fuzzy reminiscence about her Grandma's house that she hoped would ease the trauma the students faced during the difficult transition that was taking place as the school changed from Ricks College to BYU-Idaho.

President Bednar spoke on how to recognize the promptings of the Holy Ghost. He illustrated his points with a series of experiences that had occurred during the difficult transition that was taking place as the school changed from Ricks College to BYU-Idaho.

After that the students were excused to class with the admonition to go about their day as usual.

I have to admit, the Bednars were in a tough spot. BYU Devotionals are probably vetted by the Church Correlation Committee. And there was hardly time for that. Especially since the Mormon Prophet, Seer, and Revelator somehow missed the Holy Ghost's promptings about the impending terror attack that would forever alter our society. (Probably because he was traumatized by the difficult transition that was taking place as Ricks College changed to BYU-Idaho.)

As the week progressed, the students saw images of injured and grief-stricken people searching lower Manhattan for their lost loved ones. They heard stories of incredible heroism and tragedy. They worried about their country's future, their own safety, and the safety of their family and friends in New York and Washington. They prayed and hoped for the best, and on Sunday, September 16, 2001, eagerly attended a BYU-Idaho Six-Stake Fireside.

The speaker was Sister Susan Bednar.

Sister Bednar began by admitting that as the mother of three sons, she had always secretly wished she had a daughter. Now as the wife of the president of BYU-I she felt thrilled to be the "mother" of thousands of daughters. She went on to claim that she had "sought inspiration for several months about the subject of tonight's fireside."

Here are some excerpts from the "inspired" talk she delivered. I've taken the liberty to add my own commentary.

Let me tell you of an embarrassing experience I had when I was your age and a student at Brigham Young University. I was wearing a tight turtle neck similar to most of the turtle necks and tight shirts I see you young women wearing. I'd gone into the 7-Eleven store to buy something to eat when I heard two sleazy boys make some extremely vulgar comments about me. The way we dress does send a message, and I sent a message I didn't intend to boys I didn't have any desire to date, much less associate with. I felt violated by their comments; I felt dirty and cheap. Inside I just wanted to say, "I'm not that kind of a girl." But the top I was wearing didn't reflect that.

I admit, this happened to me too. I attended BYU not too many years after she did. I went to the 7-Eleven in shorts and a tank top and was ogled by a couple of guys I certainly did not want to date. That was because they were about 12 years old. The only reason "sleazy boys" hung out at that 7-Eleven was because they were locals who were too young to drive. In my experience, randy young men looking for a "good time" didn't stalk the perimeter of BYU on the slim hope of seeing a woman in a sweater that actually showed her shape. (Just my experience.)

Our family was sitting in the grandstands at the baseball field when a group of men who had been drinking came and sat in front of us. Not long after these men sat down, two pretty young girls with cute figures wearing tight tops and short shorts walked in front of the grandstands not far from where these men were sitting. I listened to these vulgar men verbally and visually undress these young women in their minds as these girls walked by. It was disgusting. These girls would have been so embarrassed if they had heard the way these men discussed their anatomy. Shortly after this incident, our family got up and left the game.

. . . you (BYU-I coeds) need to know that when you leave the protected environment of this special place, you are asking for trouble if you don't dress modestly. You will "become the victim of those who pursue you, as the hare is of the hound" if you don't take a stand on modesty.

--I have a problem with this story on several levels:

As a feminist. I am disgusted that she would blame the women for the men's bad behavior.
As a responsible citizen. If Sister Bednar and her family truly assumed that immodestly dressed women will become "the victims of those who pursue them," then her husband and three grown sons witnessed what was about to be sexual harassment (or worse) of some innocent women, and in response -- gentlemen that they are -- got up and left.
As a writer. I listened to these vulgar men verbally and visually undress these young women in their minds. OK, I know I'm being picky, but nobody can "listen" to a man "visually undress a young woman in his mind." That is, unless Sister Bednar was imagining a voice-over in a film. (Come to think of it, the scene she described could easily fit into the plot line of a Naked Gun movie.)
As an intelligent person. I don't believe any of this. Not a bleeding word. As far as I'm concerned this is just like one of Paul Dunn's stories. Only in Dunn's version, he would have first caught the game-winning ball, gallantly returned it to Derek Jeter, and knelt with him in prayer. Then he would have gone back into the stands and counseled the vulgar men in a manner so spiritual and humbling they'd end up begging Dunn to "tell the young women of America to stop showing off their cleavage."

When I am choosing my wardrobe, this is what I try to do; maybe these guidelines can help you. I stand in front of a mirror and carefully scrutinize what I am wearing. I sit down in front of the mirror. I cross my legs in front of the mirror. I bend over; I lift my arms in front of the mirror. And you have the added luxury of asking your roommates what they can see if you choose to try this suggestion.

--I can only assume that Sister Bednar refers to the co-eds' "added luxury" of having roommates because she would never dream of performing this wildly erotic dance in front of her husband. (Lest he glimpse the hem of her temple garment and pass out from fright.)

Let me share a story of romance that I believe relates to modesty. I know of a returned missionary who was dating a special young woman. This young man cared for the young woman very much and was thinking about making his relationship with her a bit more serious; in the back of his mind he was thinking about marriage. It was during this time that President Hinckley counseled the Relief Society sisters by reading a statement from the First Presidency asking the women of the Church to wear only one earring in each ear. This young man waited patiently for several weeks for the young woman to remove her extra earrings, but she didn't take them out. Her message of noncompliance to a prophet's pleading was a valuable piece of information for this young man. He finally stopped dating the young woman because he was looking for a girl who had the courage to follow the prophet.

--If you would like my opinion of this excerpt, click here.

I talked with a father who is serving as a priesthood leader on campus. Recently when he went to pick up his daughter at her apartment complex, he was disappointed to find two girls with navel rings sunbathing in their bikinis. Young women, what kind of a message are we trying to send?

What harlots! To think they had the temerity to sunbathe by the pool at their own residence. Thank goodness for "inspired" priesthood leaders who investigate these matters. Because, god only knows what they must wear in their bathtubs ...

Ten years later, and I still have no idea why the President of BYU-I and his wife decided that in the days after 9/11 the best course of action was to gloss over the tragedy, send everyone back to class, and call out half of the student body for acting like sluts. But then what do I know? I'm just an uninspired ex-Mormon woman. On the other hand, President Bednar is now a member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles. -- No doubt thanks to his ability to recognize the promptings of the Holy Ghost.

For some historical perspective on this speech in honor of its 10 year anniversary, check out Jennifer's post on her insightful and brilliantly written blog, The Cognitive Dissenter.

Another NorCal Ex-Mormon Testimony Meeting

2011-09-08T14:31:00.000-07:00

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Donna Banta
Subject: We would again be remiss if . . .

My dear friends from the Abbottsville Fourth Ward,

Just because we're ex-Mormons doesn't mean we don't have testimonies. After all, it takes a village/ward to raise an ex-Mormon. In that spirit, we gather every first Sunday to express our gratitude to the people and circumstances that helped us see the light.

This month our thanks went out to:

The San Francisco Ferry Building and its myriad venues for breaking the fast, the Sabbath, and the Word of Wisdom.
The historical problem that Mormon leaders have keeping their stories straight -- from Joseph Smith and his multiple versions of the First Vision, to Paul Dunn and his slew of bogus faith-promoting stories.
The historical problem we had keeping our own stories straight. -- Or, how thankful we are that we no longer have to find ways to say we "know the church is true" without really saying it. It used to be: "I know... that god lives." or "I have a strong ... testimony of ... the gospel." Now it's just: "It's a load of crap."
Well-meaning TBM moms. Like the one who can't stop sending her son pro-Mormon emails that argue against his point of view. Or another who likes to slip in an invitation to church just as her son and DIL are hurrying out the door. (Hoping that in the rush of the moment they'll accept.)
The nincompoops at BYU who brought a world class Rodin exhibit to the campus, then hid most of the sculpture in the basement.
The nincompoops in the COB who decided to "glam up" the sister missionaries by finally letting them "wear colors" and go without pantyhose. (Now that pantyhose are coming back into style.)
# 10 cans of freeze dried potato flakes.
The bargains at the bar ware sale at Sur la Table that helped keep the children amused during the meeting.

Way more educational than the "Testimony Glove!"

In addition to extolling the joys of not living the gospel, we also addressed the following weighty points of doctrine:

How will rank and file church members react if the Prophet decides to reverse the church's stand on gay marriage? Will they be angry that God has once again changed his mind? Or will they be relieved that they can finally be on the right side of the issue?
--We decided it would probably be a toss-up between the two.

Who's the bigger asshole? Packer or Bednar?
--Another toss-up.

But, after extended discussion, we were inconclusive on the question of how, if the two were separated, the left and right brain would respond individually when asked, "Do you believe in God?"
--No, we were not stoned.

We closed with a discussion of these upcoming events:

A boozy and/or highly caffeinated General Conference pot luck.

A litany of ex-Mormon holiday pot lucks.

A freeze-dried food pot luck.

A clandestine infiltration of the church vault that will require each of us to drop inside on a wire whilst deftly dodging the errant motion sensors. More details to come.

If we have offended any of you -- or have forgotten to thank someone, kindly share your testimony in the comment field. Also any spy ware and technical expertise will be appreciated.

Guidelines For The Future LDS Father-In-Law

2011-09-01T08:12:00.000-07:00

To: Abbottsville Stake
From: Mitchell Knightly, President of the Abbottsville Stake
Subject: Advice to future fathers-in-law

One of the most important and special moments in a father's life is when he sits down with his future son-in-law for a heart to heart about that little girl they both love. Recently a prestigious on-line magazine addressed this topic with a list of discussion points and red flags for today's concerned patriarch. I have copied their author's list below along with some additions of my own, based on my years of conducting intimate and lengthy one on one interviews with literally hundreds of young men. Trust me Brethren, they're all the same -- as are we.

ESSENTIAL QUESTIONS A FATHER SHOULD ASK HIS FUTURE SON-IN-LAW

Begin with a prayer to Heavenly Father that He might bless you with the understanding and tact necessary for such a delicate conversation, then launch into the following Discussion Points:

How do you intend to support my daughter?
Did you choose that career because it will allow you free access to porn?
What does your father do?
What kind of kinky stuff is he into?
Is your mother a stay at home mom?
Ever catch her reading dirty stories while the kids are napping?
What about your siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins -- any of them like nookie?
Do you attend church regularly?
How much time do you spend in the ward men's room?
Did you serve a full time mission?
Ever fantasize about your mission companions naked?
How do you define porn?
And were you thinking about my daughter when you answered that question?
How have you recovered from your porn addiction?
Who helped you recover?
How do you manage to control yourself now?

As the conversation progresses, keep an eye out for these Red Flags:

He admits that he used to look at porn, has stopped doing it, but fails to explain how.
He claims he overcame the problem all by himself.
He's never admitted to anyone that he has a problem with porn.
He's wearing a blue tie.
He's vague about how he avoids porn.
He acts defensive and is insulted by your questions.
He acts overly sincere and emphatic.
He keeps looking at his watch.
He's not wearing a watch.
He appears "too perfect" as if he really isn't a pervert.
He's staring at you like you're nuts.

At the close of this session, offer a prayer to Heavenly Father that your future son-in-law might repent so that he may eventually be worthy to be part of your eternal family. Then schedule a follow-up interview.

If would like to stop receiving these emails we can't help but wonder what kind of kinky stuff you're into.

LDS Less Active Endures Guidance Session

2011-08-26T11:22:00.000-07:00

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: H. LaVar Turley, Ward Mission Leader
Subject: Guiding the less active

Less Actives are so misguided. Always refusing to follow our lead. Sometimes we're tempted to blow them off, and leave them to their wandering. But here's the thing. Nobody with any sense of direction leaves the one and only true church. Consider the reason the Less Active lost his way in the first place: some minor personal slight, a delusional claim about church history, or simply the desire to booze it up in front of the porn channel. Let's face it, he doesn't know where he's going.

The problem is he asks the wrong questions, the kind that lead down the path to destruction. That's why I never answer the question a Less Active asks. Instead I answer the question he should have asked. For example, when a Less Active asks, "Why did the Mormons practice polygamy?" I instead hear, "What's the LDS Church's stand on traditional marriage?" When he says, "How come my wife can't hold the priesthood?" I assume he meant to say, "Would you like my wife to bake you a casserole?" When he asks, "Why is wine against the Word of Wisdom?" I pretend he asked, "I'm all out of grape Kool Aid, can you loan me a packet?"

For example, the following exchange occurred on the front porch of one such Less Active.

Me: Good afternoon, Sister Misguided. I've brought some of my wife's nut loaf.

Sister Misguided: Turley, I've told you a thousand times I don't want any nut loaf. Now what the #%^$; are you doing here?

Me: Why thank you, I'd love to come in.

Sister Misguided: I didn't invite you in @$$hole. I asked you what you're doing here.

Me: I understand you have some questions about the church.

Sister Misguided: Why would you think that?

Me: Don't be shy, just ask!

Sister Misguided: I'm not being shy. I want to know why you're here!

Me: Well, we Mormons have always had our persecutors.

Sister Misguided: Turley, what the hell are you talking about?

Me: Um . . . I don't know that we teach it.

Sister Misguided: That answer made no sense. Why won't you get off my porch?

Me: Probably because they were offended and wanted to sin.

Sister Misguided: Are you insane?

Me: Of course I am. I don't know why people think the Mormons aren't Christians. I mean, Jesus Christ is part of the official name of our church.

She slammed the door. I knocked. No response. I banged on the door. Still no response. I banged on the door and sang out "yoo hoo" simultaneously. She opened up and zapped me in the face with pepper spray. I screamed.

Me: Um . . . OK . . . Will I see you in church this Sunday?

Sister Misguided: Because I don't own a stun gun or an Uzi! Now will you get off my porch?

Rather than answer the question she should of asked. I retreated to my car and washed out my eyes with my water bottle. Then I drove off, congratulating myself on my success.

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, don't be shy, just ask!

Ingredients For A Super-Yummy Ward Banquet

2011-08-19T14:01:00.000-07:00

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Grant Bixby, Ward Activities Leader
Subject: The upcoming ward banquet

As many of you know, budget cuts have forced us to scale back on ward activities. But hopefully, with the help of your donations, we can still enjoy another sumptuous ward banquet. Below is a list of the ingredients we need based on the expected turn out of 200 people.

Raspberry jell-O -- 100 packets
Fruit cocktail -- 75 cans
Cool Whip -- 50 tubs
Potato flakes -- 200 pounds
Cream of mushroom soup -- 300 cans
Tater tots -- 250 pounds
Green beans -- 100 cans
Ground beef -- 1 pound
Dehydrated onions -- 10 pounds
Velveeta cheese -- 200 pounds
Rolls -- 600
Rice Krispies -- 25 boxes
Marshmallow creme -- 75 jars
Butter -- 400 pounds
Salt -- as much as possible
Hawaiian Punch -- 300 gallons

We appreciate any donations, no matter how small. Deliver them to the church by 3:00 PM next Friday. With any luck, somebody will be there to whip them into the super-yummy meal we're all looking forward to. If not, we'll have to rely heavily on the blessing on the food.

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, we'll assume you have a very poor appetite and will send over a pound of potato flakes.

The New Fourteen Fundamentals In Following The Prophet

2011-08-12T16:11:00.000-07:00

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Mark Crawford
Subject: In response to your letter

My dear friends from the Abbottsville Fourth,

Every time I think you're coming along, you do something to bring me back to reality. Most of you have finally accepted that I live with a man, and that I no longer go to church. Nevertheless, that didn't stop you from sending me a list compiled by the former prophet and right wing xenophobe, Ezra Taft Benson, entitled "Fourteen Fundamentals in Following the Prophet."

So I read the thing. Between you and me, I found it a tad subtle. In fact, it's possible that some of you open minded types might try to read between the lines, add your own interpretations, and dive into that downward spiral that starts when a Mormon tries to think for himself. So out of the goodness of our hearts, Byron and I mixed up a pitcher of martinis and did a little editing, just so there will be no mistaking what the LDS Church is going for here. (Original text is in bold type.)

Fourteen Fundamentals in Following the Prophet

1. The prophet is the only man who speaks for the Lord in everything. -- The prophet speaks for everyone, including God.

2. The living prophet is more vital to us than the standard works. -- If you listen to the prophet you shouldn't read the Bible, or anything else for that matter.

3. The living prophet is more important to us than a dead prophet. -- With the exception of the dead prophet who compiled this list.

4. The prophet will never lead the church astray. -- Four martinis a piece, and we still couldn't come up with a way to improve on that one.

5. The prophet is not required to have any particular earthly training or credentials to speak on any subject or act on any matter at any time. -- The prophet is not required to read, write, do arithmetic, or even speak in coherent sentences. In fact it's best when he doesn't.

6. The prophet does not have to say "Thus Saith the Lord," to give us scripture. -- This implies he needs to consult the Lord in the first place.

7. The prophet tells us what we need to know, not always what we want to know. -- Information is released out of church headquarters on a "need to know" basis, and you don't need to know anything.

8. The prophet is not limited by ~~men's~~ reason~~ing.~~

9. The prophet can receive revelation on any matter, temporal or spiritual. -- In particular, matters that intrude on your bedroom, bank account, and Salt Lake City's planning and building codes.

10. The prophet may advise on civic matters. -- The prophet can tell you how to vote. That is, until he figures out a way to take away your right to vote.

11. The two groups who have the greatest difficulty in following the prophet are the proud who are learned and the proud who are rich. -- In other words: smart people who don't pay tithing.

12. The prophet will not necessarily be popular with the world or worldly. -- The prophet will need a really good PR firm.

13. The prophet and his counselors make up the First Presidency -- the highest quorum in the Church. -- aka the world, the universe, the mind of God.

14. The prophet and the presidency -- the living prophet and the First Presidency -- follow them and be blessed -- reject them and suffer. -- If all else fails, the prophet will resort to scaring the shit out of you.

If the members of the Abbottsville Fourth Ward would like to stop receiving my messages, then I suggest they take me off this god-&%$#ed email list.

Musings From The Mission Field

2011-08-03T14:31:00.000-07:00

To: abbottsville fourth ward
From: elder young, france paris mission
Subject: bon jour from the mission field!!!!

hey abbottsville fourth!!!!

first off, thanks all of you for your letters and care packages, especially the ones with the rice krispy treats and chocolate covered corn nuts!! my comp says i have the best ward ever!!! :-))))

we were bummed this morning when we learnt that Mademoiselle Fusee had another run in with the vice squad and can't be baptized until september. but then my comp reminded me again that we were in gay par-ee, and we should be gay!!! hahaha (btw, i totally knew that by gay he meant happy, and he knew i knew that btw.) hahaha :-)))) lol lol lol

so we put on our happy faces and walked over to the rodin sculpture garden. It was scary at first because all we saw were super worldly people ogling at these enormous naked statues. =-o

we bowed our heads and asked Heavenly Father what to do. then at his suggestion we hid behind the famous thinker statue and when somebody walked up, we jumped out and said:

"thinking about finding the one and only true church?!!!"

get it? thinking???? it worked too, that is until this prideful lady tour guide told us to leave. we said we didn't have to and she said we did and we said we didn't so she left then came back dragging a garden hose with one of those high powered nozzles and blasted us. as messangers of the one and only true church, comp and i are used to being persacuted, so instead of running away we did an adorable little water ballet while singing "jesus wants me for a sunbeam." :-))))) hahahaha

only then the gendarmes arrived and told us to leave. we told them we didn't have to b/c Heavenly Father said. then they told us we were under arrest and we said they couldn't arrest us b/c we worked for God and they only worked for france. then they pointed their guns at our faces and we ran.

they ran too, and all of the sudden we were in this super cool chase scene like the one in that classic old movie Bullet. only we were on foot. also we were wearing name tags and carrying book of mormons, which made us way cooler than steve mcqueen. we ran down the rue varelle, over rue da bach, across the punt royale, and the into the jardine de tweeteries where we escaped by diving into one of those geometric shaped shrubbery thingies. :-))))))))

we were kind of bummed after that b/c we really thought we were on to something with that whole thinker thing. then it came to us, in paris the thinkers hang out in the cafes where they gather in little salons and talk about episiotomies and notetics, and other way cerebral stuff. So we decided to form our own salon, only instead of discussing the works of balzac or hemingway or flowbare, we would discuss the deepest most intellectual work of all time: the book of mormon!!! :-)))))))

we went to the nearest cafe, found us a table that hadn't been cleared yet, pulled some nutella out of comp's backpack (it's this stuff that's just like peanut butter only chocolate) and began spreading it on some bread that was left over one of the plates. then i stood on a chair, held up the book of mormon and shouted:

"my fellow parisians, comp and i invite you to join in a discussion of the most profoundly psychiatric work of all time. also help yourself to a super-yummy nutella thingy."

people started booing and telling us to leave, but we said we wouldn't leave until they heard our message, and they said they didn't want to hear our message, and we told them they were being prideful, and they shouted a bunch of words we never learnt at the mtc. then a man stood up and motioned to the crowd to be silent. he wore a red and white horizontally striped shirt and had a white scarf tied around his neck. also he had salt and pepper hair, soulful brown eyes and just the right amount of stubble on his face. can you picture him? if you can, than you must know what immediately popped into my mind.

you got it! future elders' quorum president!!!!:-)))))

he said: "i am not, too prideful, as you say."

we said: "what is your name, sir?"

he said: "you may call me d'artagnan."

we said: "monsieur d'artagnan, please sit down and hear our message."

he said: "let's go to my flat instead."

we said: "sure!" and followed him down the street. then we said: "sir if there was a living prophet on the earth today you'd like to know about him, wouldn't you?"

he said: "is it this prophet who told you to dress and wear your hair that way?"

we said: "as a matter of fact, yes!"

he said: "is it because of him that you go into nice restaurants and offer people nutella thingies?"

we said: "right again," and followed him down the stairs to the metro station.

he said: "then by all means, tell me where this man lives. i know many people who would like to pay him a visit."

we could barely contain our enthusiasm when we hopped onto the train. then the doors closed and we saw d'artagnan standing on the platform making a gesture that in america is considered profane, but here in france only means good-bye. -- it's one of the first things they taught us at the mtc. :-)))))) hahahaha

so as you can see, comp and i are working as hard as we can to save france from satan's evil grip. please keep sending care packages, it takes a lot to sustain our testimonies. also we've run out of nutella. hahaha :-)))) lol lol lol

love to all of you :-))))

elder young

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, we suggest you compose your reasons into a peculiar and erotic post and submit it here.

Angel Dog

2011-07-27T07:48:00.000-07:00

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Donna Banta
Subject: Katy Banta, 1998-2011

With Emily -- 1998

In the summer of 1998, the most amazing creature entered our lives. She chewed our furniture, peed on our carpet, dug up our garden, terrorized our cats, and nestled herself deep inside each of our hearts.

For the 4,786 days our Katy graced this planet, she was forever cheerful, full of love, always up for a good game of tug-of-war, on non-stop squirrel patrol, and never stooped to being intimidated by something so insignificant as a cat.

With Emily and Marky on our front porch in Dallas, TX -- 2000

Always our loyal companion, Katy cared for us when we were sick and comforted us when we were sad. On the morning of September 11, 2001, she transferred back and forth between our laps while Mark and I watched the tragedy unfold on television. She kept us company after our kids left the nest, and while her relationship with them was dicey, she treated our cats with the sympathy and dignity they deserved at the end of their lives.

Katy helped us move from Texas to California, and offered steady friendship during that stressful transition. Later, she gamely accompanied us on a cross-country road trip, and left her own imprint on America. (Most memorably when she squatted to poop in front of the doorman at The Drake Hotel in Chicago.) She was on hand for every holiday and party, full of merriment and pointed demands for people food. Best of all, when we came home she was there to greet us with a hyper enthusiasm that never faltered -- whether we'd been gone for ten days or for only ten minutes.

At an Ex-Mormon party at our house in
San Francisco --2010

Joseph Smith challenged traditional Christian folklore when he claimed that angels don't have wings. What he forgot to mention is that they have four legs, waggy tails, cold noses, and hearts the size of Lake Michigan. These angels walk the earth today. We see them all the time.

With Mark on Stinson Beach -- 2010

Katy Banta

June 15, 1998 -- July 22, 2011

It's Relief Society Book Club Time!

2011-07-20T15:12:00.000-07:00

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward

From: Susan Renfro, Ward Relief Society President

Subject: August Book Club Meeting

Dear Sisters,

Please choose from the following titles:

Go Sit in the Corner

for women

Latter-day Saint sisters can prepare for another interesting read this August with the choice of the following titles from Go Sit in the Corner for women.

Fun With Freeze-Dried Cheese!

and other super creative recipes from your food storage.

Rita Marie Dastrup

LDS preparedness specialist and self proclaimed "foodie," Rita Dastrup, suggests clever ways to implement items from our food storage into everyday meals so that when the impending calamity occurs, our families will be accustomed to how bad everything tastes.

Alana's List

Clarice Samuelson

Marriage is the last thing on 18 year old Alana Baxter's mind. Not until she finishes "her list," that is. She doesn't care how many of her friends, family, and fellow ward members have taken the plunge. She's won't consider being tied down until she's completed her list of "must do's," a collection of ambitious goals that includes staying out past curfew, visiting Idaho, riding in a taxi cab, having a gay friend, and learning how to cook sushi. Then the tall, dark, and handsome returned missionary, Rulon Humbolt, walks into her life and sends that list of hers into the recycle.

Hie to Zarahemla

T. J. Benson, PhD

Sixteen year old Thad Hatch turns his dad's old Chevy Vega into a time machine that takes him back to the Book of Mormon land of Zarahemla. Eager for an exciting, swashbuckling adventure, Thad immediately signs on to join the Lamanites in their battle against the Gadianton Robbers! -- Only he ends up spending most of his time searching for his horse.

One Sister's Quiet Desperation

Joan Allred

Sister Joan Allred recalls the private hell she endured upon learning her son suffered from same-sex attraction. Follow her heart wrenching journey beginning with her desperate efforts to call him to repentance, then her frustrating and failed efforts to cure him, and finally her brave decision to cut him off entirely for the sake of her family. Read how this exemplary LDS woman emerged from the experience with a strengthened testimony, a determination to never see her son in this life or the next, and the realization that the whole thing is her fault.

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, our Ward Preparedness Specialist, Brother "Bull" Barton will stop by with a Freeze-Dried Cheese Variety Kit just for you.

And Ashleigh Makes Three

2011-07-15T12:24:00.000-07:00

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward Relief Society
From: Donna Banta
Subject: Check out Ashleigh

Meet Ashleigh, a girl who definitely knows how to have too much fun. She is the creation of the another of White and Delightsome's insanely talented authors, "Undis-clothed."

Why Can't They Leave Us Alone?

2011-07-13T20:04:00.000-07:00

To: Abbottsville Stake
From: Mitchell Knightly, President of the Abbottsville Stake
Subject: Dealing With Our Persecutors

We Mormons are a humble people. We work at our jobs, raise our children, worship in our ward houses, and quietly go about our lives. We bear ill will toward no one, respect the rights of others, and mind our own business.

Nevertheless, we find ourselves on the receiving end of an endless string of crude jokes, tasteless humor, and mean-spirited portrayals that depict us as arrogant, shallow, and self-righteous.

Why can't people just leave us alone?

Sadly, the answer to that question is obvious:

1. They're jealous.
Face it, who wouldn't be? When they compare our fulfilling and joyous lives with their hellish experience, it's only natural.

2. They're bored.
When's the last time you met a non-member who actually had a life? While we're going to church, doing our home teaching and visiting teaching, cleaning the ward toilets, and otherwise standing for righteousness, they're spending their time watching porn and chugging malt liquor.When the liquor finally runs out, they've no other option than to pick on the poor defenseless Mormons who've never done a thing to them.

3. They're bigots.
Prejudice is a fact of life. Always has been. Always will be. Why else would the biggest hit on Broadway right now be a show that makes fun of a religion? To the closed minded nothing is sacred, except, of course, their own narrow opinions.

So how do we react to our persecutors? There's nothing easier. Ignore them. Don't give them the satisfaction of a response. Nothing irritates an anti-Mormon more than the existence of a happy Mormon going about his or her business.

And there is plenty to keep us busy this month. Mark the following on your calendars:

Saturday, July 16, 7:00 AM -- The kick-off of our Tracting Out Abbottsville Missionary Extravaganza! Over the course of 4 weeks we'll team up with the full-time missionaries and canvass the neighborhoods. Our goal is to knock on every non-member's door in town and place a Book of Mormon with each. (Remember, if a gay couple answers the door, politely thank them then quickly move on.)

Tuesday, July 19, 7:30 PM -- Abbottsville City Council Meeting. As always we urge all stake members to join the "Mormon Bloc" dedicated to pressuring the Council to ban gay marriage, disallow any more Starbucks franchises, eliminate sex education and biology from the high school curriculum, and shut down as many bars as possible.

Thursday, July 21, 6:00 AM -- Stake Relief Society/Young Women's Kidnap Breakfast for the Less Actives. Rather than wait for the inactive sisters and girls to come to us, we'll surprise them by sneaking into their bedrooms, dragging them outside in their pajamas, stuffing them in the car, and taking them to breakfast at the Abbottsville IHOP. (Meet at 5:30 AM in the stake parking lot, disperse in separate cars.)

Saturday, July 21, 8:00 PM -- Opening Night for the Abbottsville Stake production of Nunsense!! Don't miss this hilarious romp featuring everyone's favorite cut-up, Brother Moose McKay, in the roll of Sister Mary Amnesia.

Tuesday, July 27, 5:00-9:00 PM -- Abbottsville Stake Fund-Raising Activity. Dennis Newsome, the advisor to the Stake Public Affairs Council, will be converting his living and dining room into a call center for the Romney campaign. (Note the location has been changed from the stake center to Brother Newsome's house in order to avoid the erroneous assumption that the LDS Church in any way endorses political candidates.)

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, we'll send you your very own Testimony Glove.

Check Out Eliza

2011-07-13T14:44:00.000-07:00

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward Relief Society
From: Donna Banta
Subject: Not your mother's temple session

Hey sisters,
If the temple had been like this . . . I never would have left! ;-)

Meet the newest character on White and Delightsome!

More e-mail from Abbottsville Fourth coming soon!

White And Delightsome

2011-07-11T14:02:00.000-07:00

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward and the wonderful people who read Ward Gossip
From: Donna Banta
Subject: A new blog

In addition to posting the e-mails I receive from the Abbottsville Fourth Ward, I am now one of the three insanely talented contributors on the newly revamped site:

White and Delightsome: Awkward and peculiar Mormon erotica. Fictional satire. Obviously.

Read posts written by Jennifer/The Cognitive Dissenter, a wonderful writer who is for now anonymous, and me!!

As always you may expect the same literary excellence and high brow commentary. (snort)

Check it out!!

New Yorkers Flee To Save Their Marriages

2011-07-06T15:42:00.000-07:00

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Brother J. "Bull" Barton, Ward Preparedness Specialist
Subject: Providing shelter for the refugees

Due to the continuing success of The Book of Mormon on Broadway, increased chatter over same sex marriage, and the alarming number of LDS young people who want to have "too much fun," I am maintaining the Ward Threat Level at RED.

Additionally, because of the recent legalization of same sex marriage in New York, ward members must prepare for the inevitable onslaught of refugees fleeing the Empire State in order to protect their traditional marriages.

In the words of T. Raymond Benson, President of the Pooghkeepsie Stake:

"A traditional marriage like mine cannot survive in an atmosphere where any two people can wed just because they love each other."

New York gays may begin marrying as early as this month, leaving their hetero counterparts little time to escape before their marriages spontaneously combust. We must prepare for casualties as well as all manner of injury.

Accordingly, the Abbottsville Ward Cultural Hall has been converted to a Basic Triage Unit where incoming marriages may be divided and tagged in the following categories:

Minor -- Delayed -- Immediate -- Morgue

As always, every ward member is advised to have on hand a one year supply of food, a hazmat suit, at least 2 hand guns, 4 rolls of duct tape, and a gallon jug of consecrated oil. Also, the Abbottsville Temple will remain open 24 hours a day for the performing of traditional marriages.

Be diligent, brothers and sisters. There's no telling how many evil-doers will rush in to thwart our valiant effort to rescue New York's traditional marriages. Ward members should brace themselves for an onslaught of feminists, gays, and intellectuals intent on looting, murdering, masturbating, declaring Hawaii a state, and putting off marriage to have too much fun.

Remember that we are the target and nowhere is safe. We must gird our loins, take on the whole armor of God, be brave, and address this crisis in the dignified and stoical manner for which we are now famous.

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, you may instead be subjected to multiple viewings of Hot Rods To Hell.

Goodbye Columbo

2011-06-29T14:41:00.000-07:00

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Donna Banta
Subject: Peter Falk, 1927-2011

Back in the early 1970's, when I was a kid growing up in Glendale, California, my mother invited me to spend a day with her at Universal Studios, where she was employed as a secretary. I was very excited to wander around a real movie studio and go places where tourists weren't permitted. That morning I saw the great character actor, Martin Milner, who then played a policeman on the show Adam 12. I also caught a glimpse of Desi Arnaz, Jr. who was something of a teen idol at the time.

Later we went to the commissary to eat. We sat at one end of the semi-circular lunch counter. I was chattering on about having seen Desi Jr. and "Officer Pete Malloy" when my mom put her hand on my knee and nodded to a spot opposite me at the counter. I looked over and locked eyes with none other than Lieutenant Columbo, the star of my favorite TV show. He wore his wrinkled raincoat and sported a five-o'clock shadow. When I smiled at him, he smiled back and gave me a little nod. -- Just like he did with all the kids who figured into his plots. -- Then he took a bite out of his sandwich, sipped his iced tea, and studied a page from a script sitting in front of him. It wasn't until I saw the script that I realized that he wasn't really Lieutenant Columbo, he was the amazing actor, Peter Falk.

But it's Columbo's image at the lunch counter that will forever be burned in my brain. It was the closest I've come to meeting a fictional character in real life. True to his craft, I imagine that 's how Mr. Falk would like me to remember that moment.

Peter Falk decided that Columbo needed a raincoat, and found one in his own closet to wear for the pilot episode. Later, he developed the character into the rumpled, absent minded, painstakingly polite, crime-solving Einstein he would become. Falk chose the lieutenant's famous broken down Peugeot off the studio lot, in part because it matched the raincoat. Later, he picked out a basset hound named "Dog."

"Murder by the Book" was written by
Steven Bochco and directed
by Steven Spielberg

Columbo was the perfect foil to the celebrities and socialites who were his suspects -- humble, self deprecating, but never intimidated by wealth, power, and the hubris they inspired. He was the everyday guy who was always underestimated. Typically, an episode began with a brilliant criminal committing the perfect murder. Convinced he was above suspicion, the murderer smugly attempted to help Columbo "solve" the crime. Then at some point the balance of power subtly shifted and the killer's alibi weakened, usually after the lieutenant prefaced a question with, "Just one more thing . . ."

I own every episode of Columbo and have enjoyed many marathon viewings. Most memorably when my cousin and his family visited from upstate New York. When I look at Columbo today, he's not only the smartest guy in the room, but also the coolest. His groomed but tousled hair, camel suits, and skinny ties look stylish now when juxtaposed against the 1970's schlock of long sideburns, wide lapels, shag carpet, and rooms draped in bolt after bolt of velvet. Such is the case with any classic.

Perhaps in a decade or two another actor will emerge who can convincingly play the character. But for now, it seems Columbo has died along with his brilliant creator, Peter Falk. The loss of both is sad for all of us.

Personally, I feel cheated that Columbo never investigated the Mormons.

Imagine this plot line: the Mormon Prophet commits murder and The Quorum of the Twelve Apostles vouch for him. Columbo comes to the Church Office Building to get statements from the General Authorities. He appears to accept the Prophet's alibi, falls into small talk with the "Seer and Revelator," then pulls out a cigar and pats his trench coat pockets in search of matches.

Columbo: Say President, you don't happen to have a light, do you?

President: We don't smoke, Lieutenant.

Columbo: Oh I'm sorry, sir, I had no idea. How rude of me. . . . Now, my wife, she would've known that, see, because she has some nice Mormon friends in Vegas. She meets up with them whenever she goes there to gamble.

The Prophet is so charmed by Columbo's deference that he overlooks the faux pas, laughs at the lieutenant's homey stories, and even helps him find his pen. After that, Columbo tours Temple Square, chats up coeds at BYU, visits a food storage superstore and a missionary emporium, samples fry sauce, attends Sacrament Meeting, and pays a call on some polygamists.

Finally he returns with more questions for the Prophet. This time the church president is not charmed, but Columbo doesn't appear to notice, much less care.

Columbo: You know sir, this is my first visit to Utah, and I must say, it's a fascinating place.

President: Well, I'm glad you think so, now if you don't mind . . .

Columbo: See up until now, all I knew about Utah was what I heard from my nephew. Did I tell you I've got a nephew who's a park ranger at Bryce Canyon?

President: Really Lieutenant? Perhaps you should go visit him.

Columbo: No sir, I think it's more interesting here. The other day I took a tour of the Visitor's Center, you know, over there by the temple.

President: (exhales loudly) Is that right?

Columbo: Nice lady showed me around, name was Sister Bagby. Boy did she teach me a lot about the Mormons.

President: Well then, you needn't be asking me . . .

Columbo: Say, do you know her?

President: Do I know who, Lieutenant?

Columbo: Sister Bagby.

President: NO I DON'T . . . No . . . I haven't had the pleasure.

Columbo: I tell you what, that Sister Bagby, she really knows her stuff. She told me that Joseph Smith translated the Book of Mormon from plates made out of gold, and that when he was through translating them, the Lord took those plates back up to heaven so nobody could see them.

President: Almost right, Lieutenant. There were eleven others who saw the plates before the Lord took them.

Columbo: Oh I know. Sister Bagby, she told me about the witnesses.

President: I hope Sister Bagby also told you that not one of them ever recanted his testimony of having seen the plates.

Columbo: Oh right, those witnesses, they kept their stories straight. But then, they were members of Joseph Smith's inner circle. Sort of like those Twelve Apostles are your inner circle.

President: In a way, I suppose.

Columbo: (Scratches his forehead.) See, and that's what puzzles me.

President: What Lieutenant?

Columbo: Well, sir, that story Joseph told about the plates, that's pretty fantastical. You'd think the average Mormon would need more proof than just the word of eleven of Smith's cronies.

President: Perhaps it seems like a fantastic story to you, but the testimonies of the eleven witnesses is a cornerstone of our faith.

Columbo: Yes sir, I see that now.

President: Well, if there's nothing else, I'll let my secretary show you out.

Columbo: Fine sir, thank you for your time.

Columbo: (turns, heads for the door then stops and turns back around)

President, just one more thing . . .

May he rest in peace.

Don't Just Sit There, Stand For Something!

2011-06-23T13:43:00.000-07:00

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Ward Mission Leader, H. LaVar Turley
Subject: Overcoming excuses about missionary work

When it comes to doing member missionary work, excuses can abound. Here are some common excuses and tips to overcome them:

1. I'm no scriptorian: No problem! Suppose your friend asks, "Where in the Bible does it say anything about Joseph Smith?" -- or -- "Why did Joseph Smith marry other men's wives?" -- or -- "Why didn't blacks get the priesthood until 1978?" A scholar would have a heck of a time answering those questions. But you won't! Fact is, the best representatives of the LDS Church are those who are armed with as little information as possible. So rather than bother with a bunch of boring research, realize the strength of your position, shake off your friend's silly questions, and invite him out to the next super yummy pot luck.

2. I can't risk a friendship: Some think that talking about religion may ruin a friendship. True friends respect the things we believe. They may not agree, but that doesn't mean they mind being preached at, shown the error of their ways, and called to repentance. Anyone who objects to that is not a true friend, and anyway, why would you even have a non-member friend in the first place?

3. My neighbors have already heard it: That may be, but the Lord prepares people in their circumstance, not just their location. Who knows? Since you last talked, your neighbor may have lost a loved one, been diagnosed with Alzheimer's, caught his wife in bed with his business partner, or suffered some other calamity that has left him so confused and vulnerable he'll sign on to any crazy scheme you throw his way. Now's your chance!

4. My house is -- fill in the blank -- a mess, noisy, not conducive to the Spirit: Elder Ballard said,

"Creating a gospel-sharing home means inviting our friends and neighbors into the ongoing flow of family and church activities."

A few months ago, we invited our neighbors over to enjoy some of my wife's famous nut loaf, along with our everyday family camaraderie. Our eldest Tommy spent the better part of evening in the shower, moaning. Tessie had just started her period, and banged on the bathroom door until he finally dried off and let her in. Timmy magnified his calling as future missionary by lecturing the Mayfields about all the wine bottles he's seen in their recycle. As usual, Teddy sat around and did nothing. But that little rascal, Toby, caused a flurry of joyous pandemonium when he snuck into the garage, got a hold of my chainsaw, and started to slice the coffee table in half. Meanwhile Terry entertained everybody with adorable questions like, "Why are Mrs. Smith's ankles so fat?" and "Why is that noise always coming out of Mr. and Mrs. Mayfield's bedroom window?" Suffice to say, we had a great time, nobody was seriously injured, and our neighbors were able to see what we stand for in the natural flow of being in our home.

Finally, the most common excuse church members use for avoiding missionary work is:

5. I'm afraid: Fair enough. I can understand that. The first time I had sex with my wife I was terrified. Now . . . I still am. But I don't let fear stop me and neither should you!

The church is true!

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, we'll send Sister Turley over to scare the crap out of you.

Tolerance 101 -- For Mormons

2011-06-16T15:30:00.000-07:00

To: Abbottsville Stake Single Adults
From: Ricky and Mindy Foote, Stake Single Adult Leaders
Subject: Come to our next super special ACTIVITY!!! . . . or else.

Hey there, you single boys and girls. As you all know, after the prophet's admonition to LDS Singles who are having too much fun, President Knightly decided to reinstate the Stake Single Adults program. And what does that make Mindy and I?

THE HAPPIEST MARRIED COUPLE ON THE PLANET!

We want nothing more than for all of you to join the ranks of the happiest of happily marrieds as well, because nothing's too good for a group that includes my former seminary teacher, Mindy's old high school principal, Sister Post who helped me earn my Duty to Country badge, and, of course, Mom.

But before we get into the details of the upcoming super fun event, President Knightly has asked that you all read the following:

__________________________

STATEMENT FROM AN OFFICIAL SPOKESMAN FOR THE CHURCH OF JESUS CHRIST OF LATTER-DAY SAINTS

Latter-day Saints have been blessed with revealed truths regarding families that remain unknown to the world at large. For example, we know that dividing up chores makes housekeeping easier, canoeing together is fun, and little kids are really really cute. We also know that our specific gender roles, as defined in THE FAMILY: A PROCLAMATION TO THE WORLD, are woven into the very fabric of the universe. Accordingly, it is our sacred duty to marry and raise families. Any of us who shirk this obligation ensure not only their own damnation, but also assist in the downfall of society as we know it.

Lately too many Latter-day Saints are opting out of having kids, pursuing "alternative lifestyles," and putting off marriage to have too much fun. It seems that members of our church have turned a deaf ear to the Brethren and are instead listening to the liberal media, a false and selfish source that sends out messages like:

"You're special."

"Do your own thing."

"You deserve to be happy."

These sentiments are in direct opposition to our inspired General Authorities, who know that you're nothing special, expect you to do their thing, and in return believe you deserve zip.

Another selfish trend driven by the media is an over-emphasis on something they call "tolerance." Unfortunately, the definition of "tolerance" has shifted over the years. Until recently in our national history, tolerance referred to racial and religious non-discrimination -- things that God changed his mind about in the 1970's. The Brethren have no problem with that. In fact the LDS Church preaches tolerance. It is important that people listen to other points of view, appreciate cultural differences, and, above all, take care not to impose their views on others.

Unless, of course, THEY'RE RIGHT!

As the General Authorities obviously are.

Remember that tolerance is secondary to the higher virtue of love. Indeed, Jesus loves all of His children unconditionally. Except for those He can't tolerate. For example:

Gays

Feminists

Intellectuals

People who pick out their own underwear

Single adults
History buffs

Working mothers
Scientists

Men with pierced ears

People who watched last Sunday's Tony Awards

-- A full list of those Jesus can't tolerate has been condensed into a 175MB PDF file and can be downloaded off the church website. -- But in short, the only tolerable Latter-day Saint is married in the temple, active in the church, pays his tithing, has at least four kids, protests gay marriage, votes Republican, and has no tolerance for anyone who doesn't do all of the above.

In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

_________________________

Okey-Dokey boys and girls, after reading that I bet you're really anxious to come to our super fun activity -- and guess what -- it's a LUAU!! That's right kids, I'm brushing up on my Don Ho repertoire as we speak. Mindy's mixed up a big vat of poi. Also she's stringing you all some super cute puka shell necklaces out of frosted Cheerios. So dig out your Hawaiian shirts and hula skirts, dust off your ukuleles, and get ready to drink the requisite kool-aid.

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, the Footes will be dropping by your house to perform their rendition of "Tiny Bubbles."

London -- The One And Only True Tour

2011-06-09T15:08:00.000-07:00

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Sister Millie Loomis, self-appointed ward media and culture critic
Subject: London Calling

By now you all know that a certain disreputable ex-Mormon blogger recently met her spinster daughter in London for a week of sin.

She's way too old to be having fun!

But you should also know that whilst they were engaging in their wanton revelry, I too was touring London, albeit in a far more reverent (and sober) fashion.

All my life I've wanted to see Merrie Olde England through the protective lens of the LDS Church. So I signed up for the See Zion First tour of London. As usual, it did not disappoint.

Our trip began at the spacious Heathrow Ward Meeting House, with its splendid view of the long-term parking lot. The local saints treated us to an authentic pub dinner of tater-tot shepherd's pie, a pint of Mott's Apple Juice, and sticky toffee Rice Krispie treats. Afterwards, we enjoyed an authentic Shakespearean reading performed by the Deacons Quorum.

The next day we travelled to historic Canterbury. The bus ride over was quite jolly, thanks to a certain sister who entertained us with this faith promoting story:

The Wife of Bountiful's Tale

There once was a young knight who had too much fun with the maidens at his single ward's mix and mingle. At the end he left without even proposing marriage! The next day, the bishop called him into his office.

"Such selfish behaviour can not go unpunished," the bishop told the knight. "However, I will grant you a reprieve if in the next 24 hours you can find the answer to the question:

'What do women want?'"

The knight mounted his mighty Schwinn and travelled to the far reaches of his stake boundaries. Some told him women wanted breast implants, some said they wanted a Shelf Reliant Food Rotation System, and others suggested unlimited access to free quilting patterns.

The following day the knight returned to his bishop's office in a state of confusion. Just before reaching the door, the bishop's daughter blocked his way, looked deep into his eyes, and told him the correct answer:

Women want to be obedient to their husbands.

The bishop granted his reprieve and the knight married the bishop's daughter. The knight in turn gave his woman exactly what she wanted. Under her husband's command, she cooked, cleaned, mended, gardened, and cheerfully submitted to a nightly schtooping over the back of their chesterfield.

He lived happily ever after.

The architecture rivals the LA temple

Inspired by the wisdom of the good wife's story, we arrived at the stately cathedral just as a worship service was about to commence. Our tour guide seemed to think our timing was extremely fortunate, and actually suggested we attend. I grudgingly went along, not because I wanted to, but because as a representative of the one and only true church, I felt obligated to exemplify the open-minded and ecumenical philosophy that Latter-day Saints have long embraced.

Only their so-called worship was intolerable.

Don't get me wrong. Being LDS, I knew better than to expect their choir and organ to match those in our Tabernacle. But I certainly wasn't prepared to see crucifixes, women in trousers, pictures of Jesus without his garments, lady priests, and other hateful things like candles!

Non-members are so disrespectful

I walked out.

Thankfully, this unfortunate experience served as a wake-up call. From then on, we stuck to the appropriate schedule.

Our destinations were either the church or like-minded places compatible with Mormon culture and doctrine -- such as the wax museum and Ripley's Believe it or Not.

We even made a few bob on the side.

On our final day in London, Brother Hyde graciously took us on a motor tour of the city in his Fish and Chips cart.

Thanks to the dear brother, we whizzed by it all -- without ever having to mix with London's non-member community!

At the end of the tour we said tearful good-byes to our British brothers and sisters, then boarded the plane for America. Not a one of us slept on that flight, as we were too busy reminiscing about the sights we saw, the diverse group of church members we met, the food we enjoyed, and the wonderful time we had thanks to LDS owned See Zion First.

After all, only the church could send us on a trip like this.

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, we'll send you the DVD version of the Heathrow Ward Deacons Quorum's performance of Hamlet.

Sorry Fourth Ward This Week You're Spam

2011-06-02T09:32:00.000-07:00

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Donna Banta
Subject: I'm not reading your e-mails this week because . . .

I'm in London with my daughter, Emily, who isn't married because she's having too much fun.

So there.

The sublime: Emily outside the home of Jane Austen's brother Henry's house in Chelsea.

Who needs Westminster Abbey?

The ridiculous: me outside the LDS church at the entrance to Hyde Park.

Super Special Program For The Young Women

2011-05-26T16:18:00.000-07:00

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward Young Women's Leaders
From: JayNell Tweedy, Abbottsville Stake Young Women's President
Subject: Ideas for upcoming Standards Nights

We all agree that nothing is too good for our awesome Young Women. That's why I'm forwarding this outline for a super-special Standards Night for our girls. You'll want to start planning super super early on account of it's kind of a lot of work. But way worth it!

Invite a member of the Young Women's presidency to host the event in her living room. Remove the art from her walls and hang pictures of the different LDS temples instead. Create a five-foot high all-white floral arrangement for the room's focal point. In front of the flowers, set up a table and cover it with a white lace cloth and one of the centerpieces described below. Also, if the curtains, carpet, and walls are not white, be sure to replace and/or repaint all three, and slip-cover the furniture as well.

Standard's Night Program

Opening Song: I Love to See the Temple

Opening Prayer: by invitation

Demonstration:

Invite another member of the Young Women's presidency to present one the following analogies:

(For the centerpiece: design an all white wedding bouquet out of blown sugar.)

"Imagine you're a beautiful rose plant who lets herself be picked by the first boy who comes along. Now what returned missionary will be interested in your bush?"

(For the centerpiece: carve out an ice sculpture of Salt Lake's Temple Square.)

"Pretend you're a popsicle. Who do you want to be licked by? A good Mormon boy who will stick you right back in the freezer ? -- or -- Some non-member who'll take you to the park, have what he wants, then leave you in a hot and sticky mess on the grass?"

(For the centerpiece: weave an all white tapestry with an inlay of President Monson's face.)

"Think of yourself as a doormat. Where would you want to get laid? In the entrance of some disreputable tavern? -- or -- In the temple where you will only be stepped on by righteous priesthood holders?"

Conclude with, "It is my prayer that each and every one of you finds a righteous LDS man to -- fertilize you -- or -- keep you frozen -- or -- walk all over you -- for time and all eternity."

Special Musical Number

Invite the Beehive, Mia Maid, and Laurel class presidencies to make and model modest wedding gowns to the tune of Circle of Our Love from Saturday's Warrior.

(The music should be played way reverently by two members of the Young Women's presidency: one on the piano and the other on another super classy instrument -- like the harp.)

Main Speaker

Invite the bishop to give a super respectful talk about all the private places a righteous Young Woman should never let a boy touch and all the things she should never let him do.

Closing Song: I Am a Child of God

Closing Prayer: by invitation

Refreshments: Handmade multi-tiered wedding cake with white chocolate ruffles and sugar orchids. Raspberry sherbet punch fountain. Nut cups. Little butter mints made from scratch.

**Be sure to send each girl home with a super cute fridge magnet made out of something way fun like shrinky dink plastic or dough art with the saying:
"Sex outside of marriage is the sin next to murder."

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, we'll assume you're super selfish and way shallow.

Saturday's Warrior Is A Load Of Crap

2011-05-19T16:30:00.000-07:00

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Donna Banta
Subject: A postmormon review of Saturday's Warrior

Recently LDS Church spokesperson, Michael Otterson, penned a scathing review of the Book of Mormon on Broadway. In it he disparaged believing Mormons who saw and enjoyed the show, then went on to lament the bad PR the musical will bring the church, worrying not so much about "when people laugh, but when they take it seriously."

So, in the spirit of fair play, and out of respect for the believing Mormons who have seen and enjoyed The Book of Mormon on Broadway, the San Francisco postmormons decided to have a screening of God's Other Favorite Musical, Saturday's Warrior!!!

Last weekend Mark fired up our grill for yet another great exmormon event. Dodgy weather made it a tough commute for some, especially those in the East Bay, as the Bay Bridge was packed with limos filled with hyperactive prom goers. But once everyone arrived at our house, we opened the wine/beer/etc, and enjoyed our usual super-yummy potluck fare. (Some habits never die.) Afterward we retired downstairs for a viewing of the 2000 film version of the production.

Saturday's Warrior begins in the billowy clouds of heaven where we meet:

Julie and Tod: gooey young lovers who can't wait to gain physical bodies.

The Flinders Siblings

Pam: a sweet spirit who wants to be a dancer when she goes down to earth.

Jimmy: Pam's twin who is destined to "go astray."

Julie: the dewy ingenue, and Tod's main squeeze.

[Four insignificant middle children]

Emily: the adorable youngest child who will probably have to die because Jimmy is so selfish.

The Missionaries
Elders Kestler and Green: a couple of self-righteous, hubris-infused chuckleheads who ring surprisingly true to life.

Once the above are introduced through a few catchy tunes, sappy lyrics and beginning ballet choreography, a bossy temple matron prods the characters to get in line to go down to earth -- lest they miss their appointed time and, instead of going to a righteous Utah Mormon household, they wind up in some terrible place like Uganda or Madagascar. Then an even darker scenario is introduced; that is, the chance they won't go to earth at all, because of a grievous and unmentionable sin.

In my recent review, The Book of Mormon is True!, I wrote, "because the show (The Book of Mormon) begins with the premise that all Mormon boys are expected to go on missions, the audience immediately sympathizes with the two main characters in spite of their foibles."

Employing a similar logic, because Saturday's Warrior begins with the premise that humans arrive (or don't arrive) in their earthly situations according to the aforementioned scenario, the audience immediately concludes that God is an unfair, racist asshole so intent on controlling His children that He will even stoop to blaming a kid for his little sister's death.

While the first 7 of the 8 Flinders children do land safely on earth, things don't exactly turn out as planned. Jimmy, a good looking high school kid, selfishly chooses to behave like a teenager. Jimmy's twin sister Pam, who wanted to be the dancer, ends up in a wheelchair. (No doubt thanks to some prenatal indiscretion by Jimmy.) Julie, while attractive, turns out to be a fickle ditz with the personality of a postage stamp, and a wardrobe that belongs back at the compound on the show, "Big Love." The four middle children remain insignificant, and Emily remains in heaven wondering if she will ever be born. (Also thanks to Jimmy.)

Down on earth, we arrive at the airport with Julie, her then boyfriend, Elder Kestler, and some other missionaries and BYU coeds who sing an annoying version of "Will I Wait For You?" and perform a self-conscious dance routine that is obviously designed to keep them from wiggling their tushes and exposing their knees.

Meanwhile, Jimmy is tired of singing along to "Daddy's Nose" with the family, prefers hanging out with his friends, and claims to want "plain ordinary freedom to pursue my own goals." This shocking behavior is explained through the "Zero Population" number sung by Jimmy and a bunch of mid-drift baring delinquents who lounge around a dorky looking dune buggy and dream of a day when abortion is legal. (Even though . . . it is legal.)

Thoroughly brainwashed by the Planned Parenthood gang, Jimmy flips out when he discovers his mother is pregnant, and demands she have an abortion. Mom -- strike that -- Dad refuses, so Jimmy runs away from home. As a result, Mrs. Flinders becomes so distraught that she has a miscarriage, making Jimmy a murderer.

Then Julie finds another guy and dumps poor Elder Kestler via the production's show stopper, "He's Just a Friend/Dear John," a peppy number that alternates between a G-Rated bump and grind featuring Julie and her sisters, and a chorus line of male missionaries who perform an awkward routine that makes them look like dogs relieving themselves along a row of hydrants. (Forget the feminists and gays, the ones the Brethren should really go after are the choreographers.)

Back to Jimmy who arrives somewhere in SoCal for a "Summer of Fair Weather" with the protected sex crowd. We are left to speculate how they support themselves. -- Pushing illegal condoms perhaps? (According to the postmormon Anagrammy, that detail is in the Director's Cut.) Jimmy's holiday ends, however, when the family calls to tell him his beloved twin sister, Pam, has died. -- That's right Jimmy, now you're guilty of double murder.

Up in heaven, we see Pam dancing around with little Emily in her arms. She comforts her unborn sister by telling her that life is just a blip, a meaningless and insignificant moment. (A line that might be more aptly delivered by one of the evil pro-choicers . . . but I digress.)

We then return to Elder Kestler who has just paired up with Elder Green. They come across Tod, a chain-smoking non-member who spends his days moping around the park because he doesn't have a "cause to die for." The elders teach him the gospel, he gleefully gives up smoking, and gets baptized. -- Meaning he can now look forward to feeling dead everyday for the rest of his life.

Julie, who has broken up with her fiance, decides she wants Elder Kestler back. So she slips into a dress that resembles a denim grocery sack and goes to the airport to welcome him home. But, as fate would have it, she instead falls for Tod, whom Kestler has brought back with him. The two lovers reunite by singing the same duet they sang in the pre-life, only this time with an obvious appreciation of each other's physical body. (Not that he can admire any of her charms under that ridiculous dress.)

Finally Jimmy sees the error of his ways, shakes off the safe sex crowd, and returns home so that little Emily can finally be born.

And all is right in Mormondom.

In the case of Saturday's Warrior, I find myself echoing Otterson. I worry about the guilt-ridden souls who take this shit seriously. Of course, that wasn't an issue for the postmormons. We pretty much laughed through the whole thing. And when we saw that there was a karaoke option on the Main Menu -- OMG! Suffice to say that Steve's tequila fueled aria was our evening's show stopper.

So how does the work of Matt Stone and Trey Parker compare to that of Lex de Azevedo?

Let's see. The Book of Mormon is a fun romp that never takes itself seriously. It has earned stellar reviews, 14 Tony nominations, is set for a nation-wide tour, and has been the subject of many thoughtful articles and discussions about faith in America.

Saturday's Warrior is a tiresome screed (with catchy tunes) that takes itself too seriously. It has earned no recognition outside of Mormonism, is on tour in LDS ward cultural halls, and is the subject of exmormon karaoke parties. This all leaves me to conclude:

The Book of Mormon is true

and

Saturday's Warrior is a load of crap
(in the name of cheese and rice amen)

The Wisdom of Joseph Smith

2011-05-11T10:37:00.000-07:00

To: Abbottsville Stake
From: Mitchell Knightly, President of the Abbottsville Stake
Subject: KBYU Programming Highlight

For those of you who missed watching last night's panel of BYU Religion Instructors, here is a transcript of the KBYU program.

Panel Participants:
Homer B. Goodwin, PhD, professor of Ancient American Studies
T. Vernon Price, PhD, professor of War in Heaven Strategies
LaVar Featherstone, PhD, professor of Adamic Languages

Goodwin: Tonight we will discuss the prophet Joseph Smith. Brethren, let's begin by naming our favorite of Joseph's teachings. Dr. Price, you start.

Price: I'd say his admonition to "teach men correct principles then let them govern themselves."

Goodwin: Ah yes, Dr. Price, what an excellent concept. Joseph strongly believed in the inherent freedom of the individual.

Price: He certainly prized his own freedom.

Featherstone: Freedom is a box.

Price: Say what?

Featherstone: Freedom is a box. (outlines a square with his index fingers) A box.

Goodwin: I see, Dr. Featherstone. Very sage. Very sage indeed.

Price: I still don't get it.

Goodwin: Let's move on. The prophet Joseph also taught that the path to freedom is found through obedience.

Price: True. He obeyed his Heavenly Father's every command, even when it meant cheating on his wife, swindling his neighbor, breaking the law, and violating every code of common decency.

Goodwin: Imagine the sacrifice Joseph made when he obeyed the doctrine of plural marriage. He took on a huge burden. Some of the girls were quite young.

Price: (nods) Teenagers.

Goodwin: And don't forget he also married other men's wives. Think of the courage! Why, he could have been killed by a number of jealous husbands.

Price: Got to admit, the man had guts, not to mention stamina -- 41 wives in total.

Goodwin: I thought 33.

Price: Well now, let's see. (counts off on his fingers) There was Fanny, Lucinda, Louisa, Zina, Presendia, Vienna . . .

Goodwin: (raises his hands to a halt) We can't be sure about Vienna. I mean, yes, there is evidence of some flirtation, maybe even fondling . . .

Price: No, I'm pretty sure they went all the way.

Goodwin: Based on what?

Price: She lived in his house.

Goodwin: Just because a woman lived in Joseph's house doesn't mean she was sleeping with him.

Price: You're kidding, right?

Goodwin: Good point.

Price: The number of women doesn't really matter. The important thing is, when the spirit prompted him, he rose to the occasion.

Goodwin: Exactly. He was the picture of obedience.

Featherstone: Obedience is a closet.

Goodwin: Pure genius Dr. Featherstone! Pure genius!

Price: What the [expletive deleted] does that mean?

Goodwin: Let's go on. One thing that amazes me about Joseph Smith is that he had no example, no one to teach him how to be a prophet.

Price: He was an original, all right.

Goodwin: Completely on his own, with only the spirit to guide him.

Price: It's like he made it up as he went along.

Goodwin: Indeed he did, and thanks to him we are now members of an organization that will bring us eternal happiness.

Featherstone: Happiness is a nail.

Goodwin: Ah, what perspicacity!

Price: Featherstone have you been smoking [deleted]?

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails we'll assume you've been smoking [deleted].

Brace Yourselves Sisters -- It's Mother's Day Again!

2011-05-04T14:50:00.000-07:00

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Bishop Paul Zimmerman
Subject: Mother's Day Program

This Sunday we pay tribute to Motherhood, the most important role in the entire universe. Because of the extreme urgency of the message, this special service was planned carefully in advance, then vetted and approved by the Bishop, the Stake President, the Church Correlation Committee, the General Authorities, the Romney Campaign, and God.

Attendance is mandatory.

Below is an outline of the program along with approved excerpts from the talks:

Sacrament Meeting

Presiding: Bishop Paul Zimmerman

Abbottsville Fourth Ward -- Mother's Day Service

Conducting: Bishop Zimmerman

Pianist: Sister Peterson

Music Director: Brother Souter

Opening Hymn: #323 Rise Up, O Men of God

Opening Prayer: Brother Spencer

Ward Business: Bishop Zimmerman

Sacrament Hymn: #171 With Humble Heart

Administration of the Sacrament by the Aaronic Priesthood

Youth Speaker: Sam Renfro -- "How Our Mothers Prepare us for the Holy Priesthood."

"The 2,000 stripling warriors in the Book of Mormon valiantly fought a fierce battle against a savage hoard and emerged unscathed. When asked how they managed to endure such a chaotic blood bath, they thanked their mothers for the atmosphere they created in their homes. Our moms must keep house just like theirs did. Otherwise none of us would have survived Blazer Day Camp."

Speaker: Sister Fiona Harold -- "Mothers Who Know."

"Mothers who know have children. I mean, like, they sort of have to. Or else they can't exactly call themselves mothers. At least not ones who know. Can they?"

Special Musical Number: Fourth Ward Men's Choir -- Praise to the Man

Speaker: Brother G. Rulon Hunsucker -- "Wife - Mother - CEO."

"Under the direction of her husband, a Mother in Zion leads a great and eternal organization. She has every reason to call herself a CEO, and receive all of the benefits that accompany the title, with the exception of a paycheck, an office, employees, an expense account, a custodial staff, paid vacation, a lunch hour, and any authority whatsoever."

Closing Hymn: #292 O My Father

Benediction: Brother Bromley

Afterward the Aaronic Priesthood will distribute the following gifts accordingly:

Mothers of 5 or more children who have served missions and married in the temple:

Ten gallon rose bush.

Mothers of less than 5 children who have served missions and married in the temple:

Five gallon rose bush.

Young mothers who are raising their children to serve missions and marry in the temple:

One gallon rose bush.

Mothers of less valiant children:

Bare root rose.

Working and/or single moms:

Seed packet.

Sisters who aren't mothers:

A bag of manure.

Upon completion of the distribution of gifts, ward members are released to the Cultural Hall for a four course Mother's Day feast, prepared and served by the Relief Society.

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, we'll send the Aaronic Priesthood over with the surplus manure.

LDS Church Pans The Book Of Mormon

2011-04-27T12:06:00.000-07:00

To: Abbottsville Stake
From: Mitchell Knightly, President of the Abbottsville Stake
Subject: Church Headquarters requested I forward the following:

Statement From An Official Spokesperson of

THE CHURCH OF JESUS CHRIST OF LATTER-DAY SAINTS

Reviews of "The Book of Mormon" musical have been all over the entertainment media in the past few weeks. According to the reviews, the play sketches the journey of two Mormon missionaries from their sheltered life in Salt Lake City to Uganda, where their training and experience proves wholly inadequate to the realities of a continent plagued by poverty, hunger, AIDS, genital mutilation and other horrors.

A few misguided members of THE CHURCH OF JESUS CHRIST OF LATTER-DAY SAINTS who have seen the musical and blogged about it seem to have gone out of their way to be good sports, to show they can take it, and to not appear thin skinned, defensive, self important, or mean spirited. Some even claim to have enjoyed the show. That's their choice. To each his own. There's always room for different perspectives, even those of warped, immoral, cowardly hypocrites who have too much time on their hands, but still call themselves members of THE CHURCH OF JESUS CHRIST OF LATTER-DAY SAINTS.

As for me, I'm not buying what I'm reading in the reviews. Specifically, I'm not willing to spend $200 for a ticket to be sold the idea that THE CHURCH OF JESUS CHRIST OF LATTER-DAY SAINTS moves along oblivious to real-world problems, encased in a dense, self-righteous, uninformed fog.

Somewhere I read that the show's creators spent seven years writing and producing "The Book of Mormon" musical. As I reflected on all that time spent on such a shallow and unimpressive pursuit, I also wondered what was really going on with the THE CHURCH OF JESUS CHRIST OF LATTER-DAY SAINTS in Africa during those same seven years.

So I checked.

The sister missionaries have helped to eliminate poverty by teaching thousands of African women to tie quilts and sew denim jumpers.
The elders have combated hunger by introducing millions of Africans to the amazing shelf life of Jell-O.
Then, of course, there is the tragedy of AIDS. A couple of weeks ago I sat next to a guy at my ward potluck who went to Africa in 1984 and saw a bunch of people with AIDS and described it as "horrific." The guy, a Mormon, knows all about AIDS, and that it is "horrific."
I couldn't find anything on the genital mutilation and other horrors.

Meanwhile, what of those thousands of remarkable Mormon missionaries who opted to serve while their selfish peers were finishing their educations, having too much fun, and writing hit musicals? Last week I spoke with BYU sophomore Carl Madsen, who recently returned from the Uganda Kampala Mission.

"I have African flags all over my dorm room," said Madsen. "And I get super-excited now when I go to the zoo."

Intent on spreading the truth about THE CHURCH OF JESUS CHRIST OF LATTER-DAY SAINTS, the talented young Madsen has composed an opera based on his experience in Africa.

"The musical score is way complex," he explained. "But the libido is really uplifting, and the chorus line of singing giraffes are a total show stopper."

The production is set to premiere next month in the de Jong Concert Hall.

Frankly, I am surprised that so many critics claim to have liked the "Book of Mormon" musical. I hated it -- and I haven't even seen it!

Fortunately there are a few sane voices who panned the show: The Wall Street Journal, a Jewish guy named Levi, and a certain prominent New Yorker:

"I always said the worst musical was 'Frankenstein -- It's Alive! It's Alive!!!' Guess what? 'Frankenstein' goes to second place. 'The Book of Mormon' is the worst musical ever. In the history of Broadway, 'The Book of Mormon' is number one."

As a humble member of THE CHURCH OF JESUS CHRIST OF LATTER-DAY SAINTS I urge my fellow church members to ignore our persecutors, take solace in the words of the precious few who know of our good works, and by all means do not go see the "Book of Mormon" musical.

"I am the un-ordained Mormon prophet!"

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, we'll assume you're one of those thin-skinned, defensive, self-important, mean spirited members who's always choosing to be offended.

The Book Of Mormon Is True!

2011-04-20T18:03:00.000-07:00

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Donna Banta
Subject: I witnessed the Book of Mormon!

Way back in January a group of Post-Mormons I met on Facebook decided to see The Book of Mormon on Broadway. Mark and I figured why not join them? After all, those South Park guys write pretty good stuff. It was a safe bet they'd deliver again. But even if the show turned out to be a dog we'd still enjoy it. (It couldn't be any worse than the work it was based on.)

So I, along with several others, sent checks to a woman we'd never met, who had charged tickets to her credit card for people she had never met. Meanwhile, David, a NYC resident, made reservations at two different restaurants for large parties of people he had never met. (But none of us worried because everyone was Ex-Mormon!)

Then on March 24 I opened up my New York Times and read this rave review by Ben Brantley.

Immediately I was gripped by a dread that worsened as the days progressed. Did we really have tickets to The Book of Mormon? What if something went wrong? Like we missed the plane, or the box office screwed up, or the entire production got taken back up to heaven? Oh my god!

I WANT MY BOOK OF MORMON!

Mark was trapped in an all together different gulag, by a co-worker who repeatedly warned him of the musical's potentially offensive material. "Mr. Banta, that show has lots of swear words." "Mr. Banta, have you ever watched South Park? It's pretty irreverent." Things came to a head early last week with the following exchange: "Mr. Banta, my friend told me they say the 'c' word in that play at least fifty times!" "Exactly what do you mean by the 'c' word?" The young man shut Mark's office door, swung around, and whispered, "cunt."

Crowd clamors for a free "Book of Mormon"

Finally, on the afternoon of Saturday, April 16, we arrived at the Eugene O'Neill Theater one hour before the performance. People swarmed the entrance of the sold-out show in hopes of winning tickets in a free give-away. I pulled out my phone to call Olivia to ask if she'd picked up our tickets. But before I could dial, she was standing in front of me, tickets in hand. (My heroine.)

Olivia, me, and Mark

The Book of Mormon -- rated R

I wonder what the playwright O'Neill
would have thought.

Some thirty minutes later we were joined by more wonderful Ex-Mormons and also my cousin and his son, who have never been Mormon, but are really really good sports. We filed into the theater past an eager scalper who shouted in a thick Brooklyn accent, "Mormon? Anyone got Mormon?"

Five minutes into the performance I thanked god for the Book of Mormon.

Because the show begins with the premise that all Mormon boys are expected to go on missions, the audience immediately sympathizes with the two main characters in spite of their foibles. Elder Price is a self-righteous pretty boy goody two-shoes, and Elder Cunningham is a pudgy self-conscious schlub who tells lies to win people's approval. (Think of Nephi and Lemuel as mission companions. Or for those who haven't read the sacred text, Wally Cleaver and Lumpy.)

The missionaries' interaction with each other, as well as their efforts to convert a small tribe in Uganda provide the set up for some hilarious dialog and show-stopping numbers that rival the great musicals of the previous century. My favorite was "Turn it Off." -- Imagine an all male chorus line of tap dancing Mormon missionaries. The lights go down, then come up, and they're still singing and dancing, only faster. The lights go down, then come up again, only now they're singing, dancing, and wearing HOT PINK VESTS. It was a miracle. Another winner was "Spooky Mormon Hell Dream," where poor Elder Price is terrorized by Genghis Khan, Hitler, Johnny Cochran, and a duo of dancing Starbucks' cups. But perhaps the biggest miracle came at the curtain call, when the mostly young and unknown cast received a rousing standing ovation. What a moment for them! And deservedly so. They had served with honor, and the spirit was never stronger.

Afterward there was the party David arranged at Nocello with the usual loud laughter, light-mindedness, evil speaking of the Lord's anointed, and in my case, martinis. We even have the t-shirts to remember it by.

Jenny arranged for the shirts!
This is the back, the front says "Ban Mormon Marriage."

When Mark got back to the work today, his co-worker rushed into his office, shut the door and asked, "Mr. Banta, how many times did they say "cunt?" "None that I can recall," Mark replied. The young man slumped his shoulders and looked dejected. Mark smiled to himself.

The Three Nephites Shape History

2011-04-13T18:12:00.000-07:00

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward

From: Brother Sid Dooley, Ward Spiritual Giant

Subject: The Three Nephites: A Historical Perspective

Faithful Mormons have long been grateful for the Three Nephites, that selfless trio from the Book of Mormon who begged the Lord to let them tarry on the earth in order to help the faithful. We've heard countless stories about the mysterious stranger who helped elderly Brother So-and-So load his LDS scripture software, or stopped a gang of thugs from meddling with a BYU coed.

But the Mormons aren't their only charges. The Three Nephites have labored the entire globe, tirelessly doing the Lord's work. Sometimes right under our noses. For example, next time you see that picture of Bill Clinton shaking President Kennedy's hand, take a good look the guy to the right of the future president. Then compare him to the guy next to Stu Sutcliffe on the cover of Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band. Coincidence? I think not.

Over the years the Three Nephites have moved seamlessly in and out of LDS and Gentile society, molding the Saints into the superior culture God destined us to become, and preparing the world for its eventual conversion to Mormonism. After careful research, I have come to conclude the Three Nephites might have been with Abraham Lincoln for his Second Inaugural Address, probably were at the Rathaus Schoneberg for Kennedy's "Ich bin ein Berliner" speech, and definitely were with Sarah Palin during her Katie Couric interview.

There have also been noticeable lapses in their influence. For instance, in the early 1970's, when in a dyslexic moment one of the Nephites misread a box marked LSD and was subsequently incapacitated. Likewise in 1995 when they were all left stranded during the government shutdown. More recently in 2008, when two of the three took time off for a stint on Dancing With The Stars. These ill-timed absences may explain the emergence of Earth Shoes, the Macarena, and Joe the Plumber.

Late one night I was driving along a stretch of deserted highway, when one of my tires hit an unidentifiable object. I pulled off the road to find it completely flattened. It was dark and cold, and I had no car jack in my truck. Then out of nowhere three men appeared on foot, one with a jack in hand. At once I recognized them as the Three Nephites.

"Brothers Nephite," I said. "The Lord alerted you to my distress and you have come to my rescue."

Their blue eyes glinted, and one pointed to a spot across the highway.

"Stand over there," he said, "and you won't get hurt."

I obeyed, then watched in silence as the three effortlessly switched out my flat for my spare. Then they smiled, gave me a wave, climbed into my truck, and drove off.

No doubt to help another in need.

I walked back to town thanking God for The Three Nephites ... also for my LDS State Farm agent.

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, be prepared to either join AAA or pay for a tow truck.

Ward Threat Level Increase!

2011-04-07T13:59:00.000-07:00

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward

From: Brother J. "Bull" Barton, Ward Preparedness Specialist
Subject: Ward Preparedness Update

No fair. I never get to have fun.

Due to the recent cancellation of Glenn Beck's TV show, increased chatter over same sex marriage, and the alarming number of LDS young people who want to have "too much fun," I have raised the Ward Threat Level to RED.

Every ward member is advised to have on hand a one year supply of food, a hazmat suit, at least 2 hand guns, 4 rolls of duct tape, and a gallon jug of consecrated oil.

We know he's a professor because
he has a chalkboard!

There's no telling how much evil will rush in to fill the void left by Professor Beck. Ward members should brace themselves for an onslaught of feminists, gays, and intellectuals intent on looting, murdering, masturbating, declaring Hawaii a state, and putting off marriage to have too much fun.

Be aware, brothers and sisters, that we are the target and nowhere is safe. For example, I strongly suspect that during the closed-circuit televising of last Saturday's General Priesthood Session somebody poisoned the drinking fountains at the Abbottsville Stake Center with a substance that robs red-blooded American males of their precious bodily fluids.

Brethren in other stakes have voiced similar suspicions. I am assembling a task force to investigate how global this fiendish anti-Mormon plot has become, and will report our findings ASAP.

In the mean time remain vigilant, and don't forget to submit your nominations for our Official Ward Gun

This concludes your Ward Preparedness Update.

Your fellow patriot,
Bull Barton

If you want to stop receiving these e-mails, we'll assume you're part of the plot.

(Psst ... Thanks Ahab for sending me the article I linked to "too much fun.")